Pooches

dogEvery man and his dog (and I use that phrase completely literally) has been trying to convince me, since I moved to the middle of nowhere, to get a dog. They’re great companions, they say, you discover the countryside like you never have before, they add. They also cite that they make great playmates for our children.

Let me tackle the dog issue once and for all and address these points and a few others that I can think of that are pertinent:

  1. Great companions. I have a wife, two children, a brother, lots of friends, Facebook, twittter, skype and email. Why would I want a dog? You can’t have a chat with them (well, you can, but that way lies madness). You can’t play multiplayer with them and as far as I know no dog has gone beyond the rank of private in Call of Duty 4. You can go to pub with them, but if you’re using lower life forms to justify drinking alone then you have other issues besides the need for companionship.
  2. Discover the country side. This is undeniably true. But I, personally, don’t want to run the risk of my pooch straying onto some deranged, hermit, inbred farmers barn and getting the twin barrels of a (probably erratically maintained) shotgun in may face just because my dog fancied sniffing the bottom of another dog or peeing on previously unpeed on post. You know, get a map.
  3. Playmates for children. That’s my job. If I have to rely upon an animal – an animal that has teeth for grinding up meat and bone – to babysit my children then I need to reorganize my childcare arrangements.
  4. Responsibility. I don’t need the hassle of either organsing kennels or palming my mutt on someone else because I fancy popping to Paris for a weekend.
  5. Poo. If I owned a dog I would feel a responsibilty to pick up their poo so that other people needn’t use their shoes for the same purpose. But I am not prepared to do that. I have spent years changing nappies and dealing with the poo of my children and I am never going to do it for a dog. I have this picture in my head, a picture of an alien survey ship looking down on the world and one of the aliens saying: ‘That’s what I was saying! The bipeds follow the quadrupeds and pick up their stools, so they must be the lower life form, or a subservient class. But I have tried to communicate with the quadrupeds and have gotten nowhere…this planet blows, let’s go somewhere else…’

I am not against dogs. Dogs are cool, they make tremendous working animals (which Is when, I think, they are secretly happiest) and some breeds are exceptionally beautiful animals. But you know what? I have an Xbox Live membership, I don’t need a dog.

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10 thoughts on “Pooches

  1. Couldn’t agree more with this piece and with those others with which I may be familiar (small children, creepies, garden, even driving…). Don’t let the countryside get you down : keep at it, the style is right, to the point, funny.
    E xxx

  2. Get a dog, you silly bugger.
    When I go to the pub on my own, it is usually an impromptu thing. Quick ring round of the mates. Sorry, wife got them on a short lead (if you will pardon the pun). Quick throw of the lead round Dilly’s neck and I’m off down the boozer. Bag of Roast Chicken crisps and she’s sorted. She even growls out the answers during the pub quiz.
    A will give you a good excuse for walking. And when you loose two pitches in a row to some poxy advertising agency in Moscow, a dog will release all your pent up aggression by killing squirrels and rabbits over the park and dragging their corpses back to you a s a present.
    Otherwise lippy teenagers waking you up at gone midnight disperse instantly a Staffordshire Bull Terrier appears, and their distant cries of “Wanker” will seem laughably pathetic.
    True, you have to pick up their crap in a plastic bag. But that is the kind of thing the Buddha would have been happy to do, and like him you will find people befriending you regardless of age, sex, social class or cross dressing.
    When you argue with your wife, your dog will listen thoughtfully to your complaints. She will then try and reason with you, and encourage you to see things from your wife’s point of view.
    And in your darkest moments she will lick your face.
    She will help the kids dig tunnels on the beach, allow them to ride on her back, bark loudly and instinctively at their enemies and welcome their friends.
    True, she will jump on your bed at six in the morning and crush your knackers. But you will grow to accept this, just as friends will grow to accept that you smell differently.
    Get a dog.

    1. Andy, you mad old bugger. No one – ever – has given me a better argument to get a dog.

      Also, you’re not allowed to be be funnier than me on my blog, that’s not how it works. You want a link to the terms and conditions?
      Good to hear that you’re still alive, I thought you’d harvested your organs for a new Powerbook…that was the rumour anyway.

  3. Best not to go to deeply into that (if you will pardon the pun) in a family-orientated blog.

    Changing the subject, I sang All Shook Up to Dilly this morning. See – that’s another good reason to get a dog.

    1. Thank you very much, I am touched. 🙂
      Awww, man, it’s great getting comments off of people who have seemingly found my site randomly…
      Keep reading, cos I keep writing…

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