bushAfter using my daily, disposable contact lens for a week or so I had my follow-up appointment at the opticians. After rushing around like a bastard and then driving 20mins in the pouring rain to Cirencester, it went a little something like this:

Shev: [dripping and panting]Hello, I’m here for my follow-up appointment.

Optician: So…how did you get along with them?

Shev: Fine…had a few problems getting them in…but I eventually got the hang of it.

Optician: Great…and taking them out?

Shev: [laughs] that was the easy bit…no, it was just putting them in that was hard.

Optician: Let’s have a look, shall we? [looks into my eyes] Your eyes seem fine. No discomfort wearing them?

Shev: No…so, can I just get some sets now then?

Optician: Sure, just go to the front desk.

Shev: [now standing at the front desk of opticians] Could I buy, say, a months worth? 30 pairs?

Receptionist: We don’t have any in stock, we’ll have to order them.

This is how the conversation should have gone:

Shev: [speaking on telephone to optician] Hi, I’ve been wearing the contacts for a couple of weeks now and apart from obvious discomfort of placing a soft piece of plastic on my eyeball in the mornings, things have been going okay.

Optician: has snot come out of your eyes, have you been to casualty because of them or have you felt as if someone has scraped your eye with a nail file?

Shev: no.

Optician: Well, seems like things have been going okay. What I’ll do is order some for you so that you don’t have to come into Cirencester for no reason and when you do I’ll have a quick look – just to make sure you don’t go blind; I don’t want a lawsuit on my hands – and then I won’t have to mindlessly waste your day like a brainless cretin that I obviously would be if I weren’t possessed of such incredible foresight as to actually predict obvious things happening – after all, I can hit a bloody tennis ball, can’t I?

Shev: sweet.


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