Washing Madness

washWe decided, generously, to give the washing machine a day off the other day but the repurcusions have turned out to be so far reaching that now we’re in a dirty washing overdraft that I don’t think we can ever pay off. Our laundry basket has turned into the cleaning equivalent of a loan shark and our debt is growing exponentially – DW and I are scared. I don’t think that we’ll clear the deficit til 2012…maybe never.

The creation of this woven mountain is simple: DS and DD.

DS and DD wear clothes like a couple of rock stars on a downward spiral, wiping random foodstuffs, liquids and creative materials on them with nonchalant indifference, only becoming aware of them when they want to take them off – which they do as if they’re about to save a drowning man. Thus, the soundtrack to our lives is the contact swish and thrum of the washing machine as it gamely tries to keep up with the hoard of clothes – the only plus point to this situation is that I am rediscovering clothes that I had long forgotten about.

Meanwhile, our gallant dishwasher attempts to keep up with the never ending cycle of dirty plates, beakers and sippy cups. I long ago adopted the policy that if an object designed to contain food or help in the transference of said food into the mouth cannot handle being washed in the dishwasher then it can consider itself redundant. Anything that can’t survive the 50ºc heat I consider to be as technologically advanced as a paper plate.

I wonder why we bother with plates at all, most of the food we give them ends up on the floor (that they both think is a perfectly acceptable receptacle) and I am half tempted to just give them the saucepan, a couple of spoons and let them duke it out in the bath. Then, I can simply hose them down – and the saucepan (result!) – at the end of it.

The end result of this is that our family has the carbon footprint of a nuclear submarine. It does make me feel guilty, but what’s the alternative: Naked children? Put them in hasmat suits? Feed them intravenously? I’m not sure what the solution is, but there must be millions of families the world over washing constantly and it makes you think that banning hosepipes is pointless: ban washing machines.

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6 thoughts on “Washing Madness

  1. Love it! I dread the day my washing machine breaks down, and sad to say that the best purchase I have made in the last 12 months has been a heated clothes airer! Not terribly glamorous. Maybe you should get one for your shark infested utility room.

    1. My goodness, what insane invention is this? This is GENIUS. Now we’ve gone and bought a tumble dryer and I feel robbed – ROBBED! – I tell you. How did you find this visionary product?

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