The Cellar…

flashlightOur cellar is – as is the rest the house – ancient. It’s more like a dungeon than a proper cellar, with stone walls and little nooks and crannies. It also has an artesian well. We haven’t tried the water yet because we have taps – we’ve left the city, but we haven’t descended into total savagery…yet.

This is the first time that we have owned a house with a cellar, and we really don’t know what to do with it. At the moment it’s a bit damp (so anything cardboard or paper gradually disintegrates) and a bit cold so we tend to store tools and assorted odds and ends down there. When we have a bit of spare cash (hah!) we could put a dehumidifier down there and maybe knock a window out somehow and do something with it. So far my ideas are:

  1. Wine Cellar. Yeah, right, like wine stays in the cellar long enough. We might as well store the wine in the recycling box. Next!
  2. Downstairs toilet. I mean, FFS. Like the Himylayan journey up the stairs is so long, so arduous, that we need yet another toilet in case we have to relieve ourselves in a vase on the way. Next!
  3. Utility Room. I like the idea of having a laundry room, but the complications of plumbing and electrics make this idea more complicated that it first appears.  It’s also not terribly glamourous…

Those are the sensible ideas that we could probably make happen. With a bit of cash, some DIY and a bit of imagination and all of these ideas are totally feasible. But I have some other, better, ideas:

  1. Home Cinema. Oh yeah, now we’re talking. 5.1 Dolby, big-arse flat panel screen, couple of comfy sofas, mini bar, popcorn maker – maybe go hog-wild and put a curtain over the flat panel TV and add a bit of drama to our screenings.
  2. Games Room. Pool table, Xbox, beer fridge – DS is not yet at the age to fully immerse himself in the sublime satisfaction of having a room devoted solely to boys games, but he would. Oh yes.
  3. Underground Lair. Banks of tv screens, lots of buttons and a table in the middle of the room that has a model of our house but which could be flipped to reveal our devious, fiendish plan to dominate the Cotswolds…mwahh-ha-ha…maybe a home office would be more practical…and swivel chairs are cheaper than villain-flipping-tables.
  4. Shark Pit. I think that it would add a certain frisson to our dinner parties as the dining table is over the cellar. Also, we have a well down there so that sorts out the water problem. The only real drawbacks that I can see are that I don’t think our animal husbandry skills are quite up to nurturing a couple of sharks (we had tropical fish once, and they didn’t last long…) and they would also be quite expensive to keep when our supply of dinner party guests starts to dwindle – as rumours of the shark pit would obviously circulate: the village grapevine is better than the internet, after all.
  5. Underground Transport Network. I always quite liked the idea of a subterranean transport system, with a nifty little logo on the side of the electric (for our kids future, man…) carts. I’m not sure where this little monorail network would actually go, but that is merely a detail that could be ironed out later. I am still undecided about whether to go for strip lighting or the more dramatic burning torches…with my only worry that the burning torches would have to be lit by somebody.

I think, after reading back on this that maybe I have finally gone bananas and should just convert the cellar into a utility room. Anyway, more nonsense soon.

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8 thoughts on “The Cellar…

  1. 1. Server room / render farm room. It’s probably too big for that purpose.

    2. Mechanical / DIY workshop. Not practical because of the stairs, a garden shed will do better.

    3. Your own private particle accelerator or nuclear imaging camera. Ideal location for this, although you would have to shield the ceiling to prevent radiation to penetrate to your house. Unlikely to be of any scientific interest unless you rent the facility to local schools and colleges.

      1. You would generally smash it into something like a block of lead, or another accelerated particle. This will create something ranging from X-rays to the Higgs boson, depending on the energy level.

      2. Smash what into a block of lead? My cellar? Or the particle.

        I have actually heard of a Higgs Bosun thingy – what they were up to with that big ring in Switzerland. Although I admire their endeavor, I don’t really think I have the space…

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