‘My name is Mr Shev, and I watch X-Factor. It’s been two days since my last episode… [applause]…’
For those lucky enough to have regained consciousness after slipping into a ten year coma, I have some news for you: The internet: check it out, they lied about the jet-packs and X-Factor is the savior of ITV.
I like X-Factor; it’s a wierd hyper-reality that mixes mass hysteria and playground-level humiliation into a audio visual cocktail that ITV get their only decent ratings with. The basic principle is to replicate the video game Streetfighterbut in a tele format. The formula is: Introduce charcacters in an overly dramatic way, let them loose in a crazy, unreal environment and then make them brawl, via their voices, for the braying adoration of a partisan, hyped up audience. Awesome, me likey.
So, in the spirit of Streetfighter, I will introduce the characters:
Name: Simon Cowell Special Move: Harsh Criticism
With his funny trousers and hair that defies all styling products he’s a funny looking cove but his leathery indifference to the audience reaction and razor tongue make him the toughest boss of them all.
Name: Louie Walsh Special Move: Irish Charm
Even though it seems literally unbelievable that Louie managed a ‘band’ selling millions of records, his irish twinkling eyes betray nothing…mainly because there is nothing. An easy boss.
Name: Cheryl Cole Special Move: Instant Tears
A new boss, but with her uncanny ability to cry with the merest emotional stimuli, she can be dangerous. Having won Streetfactor before, she knows the ropes – but choses not to sing live. Has she lost her edge?
Name: Danni Minogue Special Move: Not being real
Although made almost completely out of a single sheet of polyurethane, Danni is a powerful boss because her sister is an uber-boss. Although she is only 2′ 5” tall she can still out maneuver even the most skilled opponent. Underestimate her at your peril.
Name: Olly Murs Special Move: Robot Dance
Olly is a straight Will Young, but with a freaky robot dance routine that floors his opponents. Too many diva or swing numbers, though, and his special move becomes redundant. A possible winner.
Name: Rachel Adedeji Special Move: Crazy Barnet
Like a cross between Grace Jones and Dolph Lungren in Rocky IV, Rachel is an intimidating foe. But if she keeps getting involved in deathmatches the damage will begin to tell…
Name: Miss Frank Special Move: There’s three of them
They are the Miss Frankenstein monster created by Simon so should crush all before them…but there’s too much monster and not enough Miss to make it in this tournament.
Name: Joe McElderry Special Move: Inoffensive
Joe is so vanilla that his enemies might not see him coming, but he’ll get the gay vote so shouldn’t be underestimated.
Name: Lloyd Daniels Special Move: Beckham-a-like
Can’t sing for toffee but every teenage girl is – literally – rooting for him. His voice may let him down in the later stages but an impressive competitor.
Name: Lucie Jones Special Move: Being Welsh
With no charisma, natural dancing ability or presence so Lucie shouldn’t last too long. But she is Welsh and that must count for something.
Name: Jamie Archer Special Move: Has a big afro
His hair matches his on stage performance: big and unforgettable. If he manages to not mention playing in a pub one…more…time he should go all the way. Ruthless.
Name: Stacey Solomon Special Move: Sings like an angel, talks like Chas ‘n’ Dave
Our Stace’ may talk like an East Ender but she sings likes a West End Girl. Her ability to hoodwink her opponents into thinking she is a muppet is her strongest attack.
Name: Danyl Johnson Special Move: Has a large mush
Big voice! Big mouth! He must surely be off American X-Factor? They must have given him elocution lessons: …the water in Majorca doesn’t taste like what it aught to… Possible Winner.
Name: John and Edward Special Move: Freaks
You wouldn’t want to meet these two down a light alley. Potential winners because The Great British Public want to mess with Simon Cowell’s head…besides, it would be a laugh.
Oh man, that’s me. Putting in all these pictures has been a right pain in the arse, hope you all appreciate the effort.