I went to buy some wood yesterday, for some shelves. I’m not Harrison Ford in Witness or anything, making some kind of bookcase – I’m using brackets. Anyway, I went to Travis Perkins to buy the wood for the shelves. Not hard. This is the actual conversation I had with them, I kid ye not:
MrShev: [sauntering up to man in warehouse full of wood] Hi, I’d like to buy some wood, please.
TP Man: [looks blank] Wood?
MrShev: I’d like to buy some wood…for shelves.
TP Man: Shelves?
MrShev: Shelves…you know? To put books on?
TP Man: Books?
MrShev: [getting a little exasperated by this point] Books…you know? Papery things that you read?
TP Man: [looks blank]
MrShev: Do you sell brackets?
TP Man: Brackets?
MrShev: [Rolls eyes, involuntarily] To hold shelves up.
TP Man: [looks confused] No.
MrShev: [Points to large warehouse with signs saying: tools, ironmongery etc] What about in there?
TP Man: They might.
This is why aliens abduct hicks. Because we won’t miss them from the gene pool. I used screwfix instead.