What X-Factor is really about is that it’s a big-arsed publicity vehicle. The cymbal banging monkeys that we know as the contestants, are meerly the sponge to put the icing on. When X-Factor ‘finds’ (I am a little sceptical about the finding bit. In the future, when the Warren Commission report is finally released, we will know the truth. Oh yes. The horrible underbelly of X-Factor will finally be exposed and it won’t be pretty. Oh no…) a decent winner, they have no qualms about pushing them as an artist* (Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke). But when the winner turns out to be a bit of a Michelle(Steve Brookstein, Leon Jackson, Shayne Ward), then they drop them like a used snot rag to be trodden upon by the greasy donkeys that are the tabloid press (think I am mixing my metaphors a bit here…).
The real meat and potatoes of X-Factor is softening up The Great British Public for an X-Factor Christmas number 1 (which I have no problem with – better than having one by that happy-clappy, nut-nut Cliff Richard), keeping the careers of Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue simmering and boosting the fortunes of ailing pop superstars.
Since the demise of Top of the Pops, and the emergence of MTV 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…and MTV Base…and VHI, VH2…etc etc; record companies have been struggling to get their cash cows on tele, to a large audience. So, in the spirit of animal auctions here is the run down of the guests:
Breed: Antipodean Pop Princess
A wonderful breed this, with guaranteed yield. Very pretty to look at so good for showing. However, siblings can be lightweight and needy, but this is a generous animal and very affectionate. They travel well but need very salubrious surroundings in order to thrive.
Just about every bull wants to mate with this breed, but mates prove to be hard to come by.
Breed: Oxfordshire Pretty Boy
Quite a new breed, this, but well known in the UK. Yield is growing, but needs constant nurturing to ensure sustained production. This pedigree was genetically engineered, but is seemingly stable – some engineered lines can fall prey to illness and, occasionally, complete obscurity.
Not to be used for breeding, just for show.
Breed: Irish Yellowhair
Originally a herd animal, it has recently been raised as a lone beast, but this has led to unpredictable yield. Mainly traded because of it’s looks, this breed has proved to have remarkable staying power mainly due to to clever husbandry, and is willing to go to any lengths to remain productive.
Quite a dull animal, so not to be kept as a pet.
Breed: Spangly Onehit
This is quite an extravagant breed and supplies impressive yields when young, but this drops off significantly as the breed matures. Even when suberbly managed this is a breed suitable for short-term production. The yield itself can be sickly sweet and is an acquired taste.
However, the yield is very useful in producing cheese – but again, most people try it and never have it again.
Breed: Staffordshire Nut-Nut
Originally a high yeilding herd animal, it is now bred as a lone animal. Unusually, the breed thrived but the herd suffered. This sybiotic relationship has since reversed where the lone animal suffers and the herd thrives.
A very needy animal, requiring constant attention and adoration to thrive – it does however always have potential to produce. Not for export.
Breed: American Crazyfool
This award-winning American breed was one of highest yielding breeds of all time. Must be kept under tight (preferably under a leash) control at all times as has a tendency to go hog-wild – resulting in complete loss of yield, insomnia, sickness and irritability.
Must be organically reared – any chemicals create significant problems.
Breed: Canadian Random
An extremely obscure breed, native to Canada, that has proved a reliable local breed but it’s total obscurity outside of Canada has meant that the wider agricultural world has virtually ignored it.
Though it’s popularity in the US means that Europe will be adopting this breed soon, even though it’s only suitable for cheese production.
I read back on this and I think I must have stepped off the edge….
*Pablo Picasso is an artist. Andy Warhol is an artist. Mark Rothko is an artist. X-Factor winners are karaoke machines with heartbeats.