I can see a look of fear on the judge’s faces at moment because they are thinking what we’re thinking: we picked the wrong ones.
The remaining finalists shuffle around on stage, a bunch of riff-raff raggamuffins patently without any factor at all, least of all ‘X’. Maybe the talent pool in the nation is running dry. Simon has scooped from this barrel so many times now that any wheat has gone and all that’s left is wheaty chaff (which sounds like something you’d get from copulating in a hay barn). What with X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, there isn’t anyone left – what we’re getting now is boomerang finalists. It’s only a matter of time before Hearsay make the final.
But, it is rock week, so it can’t be all bad…at least Jamie will know the words.
What gives me the fear is that one (or more) of the contestants is going to do an ‘arrangement’ of a song (that I quite like) and crucify it; Sympathy for the Devil in a Mariah Carey style, Welcome to the Jungle as an R Kelly track, Purple Haze as Simply Red. I can only speculate on the horror. I also think Danyl is going to be so freaked at nearly getting the Spanish Elbow that he is going to over compensate and sing Smells Like Teen Spirit as a barber shop quartet…on his own. Or something.
This week, I will (as ever) not write anything at all about the performances but about the creative direction. It’s rock week, so it’s going to be hilarious (Have you seen the ‘creative directors’? I rest my case.). I predict a riot…of leather, at least one person pretending to play the guitar, more dry-ice than Wierd Science, back-combed hair and denim. Oh, and someone is going to ride a motorbike onstage. Jamie probably. Or Danyl…standing on his head…playing a guitar…a denim guitar.
Back to the arrangements. Generally, they’ve been a bit of a dog’s breakfast (I am not 100% sure what the difference is between a dog’s breakfast, lunch and dinner…how clean the bowl is, I suppose). I think that the ‘creative’ directors have a cliché picture book the size of War & Peace and just watch MTV all day hoping to steal, homage or pastiche any pop promo not overwritten by Changing Rooms on their Sky Box.
Brand: Boy London
Joe was dressed solely (that’s a worrying image) by Brian Friedman. He may as well have worn a feather boa, some waders and a butchers apron. What was weirder were the couple who looked like they stormed the stage before security realised…
Brand: Welly by Jones, The Bootmaker
She looked like a cross between Avril Levigne and Tank Girl, but that’s not a bad look for her. She actually looks her age for once. The gold chesterfield was a bit of an after thought, I thought…after. Oh.
Brand: DESPERATION by Danyl Klien
This whole arrangement cost (I have just done the math) £6.20. Same outfit as last week minus the tie and the jacket (so, just another week’s rental at Moss Bros…) and iTunes visualiser provided the backdrop. Why spend the money? He’s so gone.
Brand: 12 Year Old’s Dream by Jack Daniels
He was like Solitaire from Live and Let Die with a bunch of voodoo infected chicks dancing around him like…a bunch of voodoo infected chicks. He looked like a boy in a man’s world and those chicks, given half a chance, would have torn him to pieces.
Brand: Dagenham Carvers by Salomon
She started off in baggage reclaim for roadies though the budget didn’t stretch to the carousel. But maybe it would have looked too much like Yo! Stacey than backstage at an Iron Maiden concert.
Brand: Afro Romeo
He got his jacket from Hannah Montana and the dancers from Spearmint Rhino which is surely the next tie-in for Disney. Someone super-glued him to the stage for the first half, which just isn’t cricket.
Brand: Guess Who? by Mattel
She was last to be styled, so the ‘creative’ directors nipped out to Top Shop and spunked a whole ten pound note at the sale rail then a wacky wig from the party shop. It was the last one, being halloween and all.
Brand: Duncé & Gobackhomeandstopannoyingus
Sweet mother of god. They borrowed their styling cues from Blade except without Wesley Snipes…Stephen Dorf…or anything vaguely cool. They need a stake to the heart…or silver bullets to the head. Please.
Name: Jamie Olimur
Bit of a minimal sell for Olly: Itunes screensaver as a background and the tightest trousers known to man. He looked like a speed-skater on a night out at Stringfellows.
I wrote most of this without hearing the result. Rachel is gone and that’s tough, because she has a cracking voice. But the bottom line is that Lloyd will sell more records and Simon is not a muppet*.
* Jim Henson would make him move more naturally, though.