X-Factor: Part Three

Art DirectorI can see a look of fear on the judge’s faces at moment because they are thinking what we’re thinking: we picked the wrong ones.

The remaining finalists shuffle around on stage, a bunch of riff-raff raggamuffins patently without any factor at all, least of all ‘X’. Maybe the talent pool in the nation is running dry. Simon has scooped from this barrel so many times now that any wheat has gone and all that’s left is wheaty chaff (which sounds like something you’d get from copulating in a hay barn). What with X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, there isn’t anyone left – what we’re getting now is boomerang finalists. It’s only a matter of time before Hearsay make the final.

But, it is rock week, so it can’t be all bad…at least Jamie will know the words.

What gives me the fear is that one (or more) of the contestants is going to do an ‘arrangement’ of a song (that I quite like) and crucify it; Sympathy for the Devil in a Mariah Carey style, Welcome to the Jungle as an R Kelly track, Purple Haze as Simply Red. I can only speculate on the horror. I also think Danyl is going to be so freaked at nearly getting the Spanish Elbow that he is going to over compensate and sing Smells Like Teen Spirit as a barber shop quartet…on his own. Or something.

This week, I will (as ever) not write anything at all about the performances but about the creative direction. It’s rock week, so it’s going to be hilarious (Have you seen the ‘creative directors’? I rest my case.). I predict a riot…of leather, at least one person pretending to play the guitar, more dry-ice than Wierd Science, back-combed hair and denim. Oh, and someone is going to ride a motorbike onstage. Jamie probably. Or Danyl…standing on his head…playing a guitar…a denim guitar.

Back to the arrangements. Generally, they’ve been a bit of a dog’s breakfast (I am not 100% sure what the difference is between a dog’s breakfast, lunch and dinner…how clean the bowl is, I suppose). I think that the ‘creative’ directors have a cliché picture book the size of War & Peace and just watch MTV all day hoping to steal, homage or pastiche any pop promo not overwritten by Changing Rooms on their Sky Box.

The Brands

thumb_ollyBrand: Boy London

Joe was dressed solely (that’s a worrying image) by Brian Friedman. He may as well have worn a feather boa, some waders and a butchers apron. What was weirder were the couple who looked like they stormed the stage before security realised…

thumb_rachelBrand: Welly by Jones, The Bootmaker

She looked like a cross between Avril Levigne and Tank Girl, but that’s not a bad look for her. She actually looks her age for once. The gold chesterfield was a bit of an after thought, I thought…after. Oh.


Brand: DESPERATION by Danyl Klien

This whole arrangement cost (I have just done the math) £6.20. Same outfit as last week minus the tie and the jacket (so, just another week’s rental at Moss Bros…) and iTunes visualiser provided the backdrop. Why spend the money? He’s so gone.

thumb_lloydBrand: 12 Year Old’s Dream by Jack Daniels

He was like Solitaire from Live and Let Die with a bunch of voodoo infected chicks dancing around him like…a bunch of voodoo infected chicks. He looked like a boy in a man’s world and those chicks, given half a chance, would have torn him to pieces.

thumb_lucieBrand: Dagenham Carvers by Salomon

She started off in baggage reclaim for roadies though the budget didn’t stretch to the carousel. But maybe it would have looked too much like Yo! Stacey than backstage at an Iron Maiden concert.

thumb_jamieBrand: Afro Romeo

He got his jacket from Hannah Montana and the dancers from Spearmint Rhino which is surely the next tie-in for Disney. Someone super-glued him to the stage for the first half, which just isn’t cricket.

thumb_staceyBrand: Guess Who? by Mattel

She was last to be styled, so the ‘creative’ directors nipped out to Top Shop and spunked a whole ten pound note at the sale rail then a wacky wig from the party shop. It was the last one, being halloween and all.

thumb_danylBrand: Duncé & Gobackhomeandstopannoyingus

Sweet mother of god. They borrowed their styling cues from Blade except without Wesley Snipes…Stephen Dorf…or anything vaguely cool. They need a stake to the heart…or silver bullets to the head. Please.

thumb_twinsName: Jamie Olimur

Bit of a minimal sell for Olly: Itunes screensaver as a background and the tightest trousers known to man. He looked like a speed-skater on a night out at Stringfellows.

I wrote most of this without hearing the result. Rachel is gone and that’s tough, because she has a cracking voice. But the bottom line is that Lloyd will sell more records and Simon is not a muppet*.

* Jim Henson would make him move more naturally, though.


4 thoughts on “X-Factor: Part Three

  1. Another excellent X Factor post.

    You’re opening point, about the judges knowing they’ve picked the wrong acts, is spot on. It’s a pity that they don’t run a parallel show in which the people who got kicked out at judges houses stage perform. Although that would be rather confusing.

    1. Why, thank you. 🙂 Though I direct people to yours for more in depth analysis!

      Your idea sounds like Going for Gold – the show where nobody loses. Or Fame Academy. I never understood Fame Academy, it seemed impossible to get voted off unless you were either drunk on stage or turned up (a la Goldfrapp) with a giant protuberance…

      1. And thank you! I take blog hits any way I can get them.

        People would eventually lose in my format until we were down to two winners (X-Factor winner and X-Factor Rejects winner). They’d then have to to do a reality show which followed both winners around for a year to determine which one actually had the most ‘x factor’. They’d then stage a 3 hour analysis programme in which the judges’ performance was discussed based on whether or not they made the correct decisions on who to put through. The two judges who had the lowest scores at this stage would then be forced to take part in a ‘judge-off’ in which one of them will lose their job. They’d then run a 12-week search for a new judge – ‘Judge Idol’. Cowell would be a fool not to take up my suggestions.

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