It’s movie week on X-Factor. Before I saw the show I was cringing internally at the thought of some dodgy versions of Bryan Adams songs or something from The Bodyguard (because what x-factor judge can resist a bit of Whitney?) but thankfully, they didn’t. Thank gawd.
I do think that the themes are just a way for the ‘creative’ directors to realise some form of private fantasy, using desperate, pliable pawns to prance around on stage dressed in whatever they can get away with pre-watershed. They obviously get an open license to humiliate the contestants on the results show and are allowed to create a sequence that looks like a sixth-form drama club creation. Every time the group performs I always think: High School Musical…and not in a good way. If there is a good way, with High School Musical.
True to form I will, as ever, ignore straight reviewing of the performances and instead rate the combatants in a film review format – if I can.
Nil by Mouth starring Stacey Solomon
Stacey gamely tries to portray the grim reality of inner city London life, but comes across more pearly queen than well ‘ard geezer. Plot wise, our Stace’ desperately tries to understand what an earth is going on, but we can all see that the lights are on but no one’s home…but it doesn’t matter too much because our Stace’ is lovable and everyone is voting for her because they want to see her on David Letterman sounding as gormless as a Kwik-fit-fitter. Definite Oscar contender, but might not nab the statuette.
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels starring Olly Murs
Cheeky chappie, pukka geezer who’s gone ‘all-in’ for a night of cards and birds. The plot is all over the gaff and ‘e don’t ‘ave a scooby doo what’s goin’ on, but it don’t matter ‘cos ‘is boat is right pukka and that’s what the birds are all about, innit? Sing’s alright but dances like a wind up toy and that’s mickey mouse, know what I mean? The monkey’s nuts.
Bambi starring Lloyd Daniels
Saccharine sweet, blubb fest that is strictly one for the children. Barely animated, this is not one for the aficionados but does look very pretty in a saccharine sweet, just for the children, kind of way. Characterisation is strictly 2D but that doesn’t matter to the age group who are going to go for this kind of thing. Technically, this is naive, simple stuff but the songs are great. However, the lead takes these songs and puts them into a pillow case and smashes them into small pieces. SPOILER ALERT: Bambi will eventually die. Thank goodness.
Hairspray starring Jamie Archer
The hype for this film has been building and building, and so much was expected of but it has turned out to be quite disappointing after the initial previews. During auditions, Jamie was amazing, but since landing the role he seems to have lost all his stage presence and there have been rumours on the strip that the only reason that he landed the part at all was because of his hair. His publicist denies this, but his publicist is quite clearly insane.
Hannah Montana starring Lucie Jones
Teen romp that is just a bit dull. Small town girl lives another life as a pop star – who would believe that wee Hannah is just from a tiny village in the middle of Wales? Lucie is good at pretending to be a pop star, but the pretence sometimes slips and the wee girl from the valleys slips through. Have been rumours of drug taking on set, but we think that she is fueled by an intense mixture of fruit shooters and sherbert dib-dabs. The songs are great, the singing is generally good, but ultimately this is for a market that will soon grow up.
Desperado starring Danyl Johnson
Desperate man resorts to desperate measures to settle a score and keep his hat in the ring in this violent fight-to-the-death, gore fest. Danyl is obviously talented, and some of his earlier films have been real turkeys, but he seems to have picked a good one at last. Plot wise, Danyl lost it, but the director managed to get him back on track, dried him out, gave him a haircut and now he seems to have got his mojo back. Will this film get any awards? Maybe it takes itself too seriously – not enough laughs and no real hero to root for.
Bride of Chucky starring Jon and Edward
I don’t know about any of the other reviewers but this film scared the bejesus out of me. Every time I watch it it seems to get more and more frightening. Plot wise, Jon and Edward seem as clueless to what is going on as everyone else and one can only guess at what direction the next film in the series is going to go. The special effects are ambitious but are obviously produced on a budget so come across as funny rather that convincing. Straight to DVD.
The Invisible Man starring Joe…what’s his name?
Very, very dull film about a man who cannot be seen. The lead tries his best to give the role some pizazz but the script is so turgid that it’s almost not worth it. The direction is slap dash and the special effects are cheaply done. Plot wise, this seems to be going nowhere, but worryingly this is the kind of thing that the academy likes, so might be up for a gong. Joe is a forgettable lead, but may carve a career for himself in Hollyoaks if this film doesn’t make it big.
Well, enough of this nonsense. Lucie has gone but I wish it was Lloyd as he is irritating.