Breakfast is brilliant, isn’t it? Breakfast gives everyone carte blanche to put just about anything they want onto a plate and not feel weird or guilty about it. Any combination, any ingredient, any quantity – it doesn’t matter because it’s the ‘most important meal of the day’ so you could eat a deep fried panda with tomato ketchup and chocolate sprinkles and no one would bat an eyelid (you could probably have a bat eyelid.)
- ‘I’m going to have a big bowl of hot chocolate and then I am going to dip some cake in it.’ This can be justified because it is a continental breakfast and is considered healthy. For the full effect, smoke an unfiltered Gitané at the same time and drink a triple expresso with 18 sugars in it .
- ‘This morning I will have a plate of meat with some eggs on the side just in case I am not getting enough protein.’ The famous full english…or full scottish…or irish, depends on what token, sterotypical meat product can be added to add a national individuality…as if the breakfast plate is the last battleground of sovereignty. It does sound unhealthly but it can be made instantly healthy (if you order it in a boutique hotel, say) by sprinkling chopped parsley on it, or having a fried tomato on the side. Or, you can get your eggs poached – that’ll make a massive, positive impact.
- ‘Today I shall twice cook some wheat based food and put whatever the hell I like on it.’ Toast is justification to eat anything at all. Sweet, strawberry preserve? Fine. Blended peanuts? Knock yourself out. Liquid chocolate? Go crazy. Spreadable pseudo beef paste? Be rude not to. Squish some bananas on it? Hell yes! Cheese? Why not. You can even do combinations. The Scandinavians will even put smoked fish on it. Is that okay? Of course it is, it’s toast. If the American’s tortured their Iraqi prisoners on pieces of toast, it would have been fine.
- ‘I am going to fill a bowl with carbohydrate and then sprinkle sugar on top.’ Cereals are just an excuse to eat a bowl full of sugar coated biscuits, and who wouldn’t want to do that? Cocopops have taken this to the logical extreme and covered their biscuit with chocolate. I prefer to have Weetabix and then sprinkle sugar on top – it’s breakfast! I could sprinkle amphetamines on top and I still wouldn’t get thrown out of the B&B.
- ‘To be healthy, I am going to have a big-arsed piece of fruit…and then sprinkle some sugar on it.’ Grapefruit is a shit fruit really. If you were given an apple and then sprinkled some sugar on it, I think the person who gave you the apple would be offended. But grapefruit? Nah, it’s breakfast, do what you like.
- ‘It’s a long time until lunch, so I am going to have a bowl of carbs covered in chocolate, then toast with whatever the hell I like on it, some cake and then a big plate of meat – and I don’t care how processed it is.’ That’s the great thing about breakfast, you can do the whole lot in one sitting and it’s okay. If you’re staying in a hotel or a guest house with breakfast included then you can eat with a depravity that will shock even yourself. Some places even do all-you-can-eat buffet style hog troughs of meat and carbohydrates. Remember: it’s the most important meal of the day.
The Americans have really pimped breakfast, though. They do all the above but you can pour maple syrup on top. That’s off the chain.