Weird Search Terms

The great thing about WordPress over Blogger is that you get a comprehensive breakdown of traffic statistics, referrals and search terms. This ultimately means that I probably waste more time than I should seeing where traffic comes from and discovering how people find my blog. I am interested, firstly, because I have a certain amount of vanity and I want to know that people are actually reading it and secondly I am interested in the numbers in a social media sense; I really do find it fascinating how traffic builds and what prompts it.

There are a few stats on the ‘dashboard’ that tell you which posts are the most popular (bizzarely, hoovers – I have been scratching my head a bit on this one…) which sites are clicked through to the most (Captain Awesome’s site) and internet search terms that have ultimately led to my blog (top is Dyson(?)). What I am going to list is the strange searches that have been put into Google, that lead here. God knows why some of them clicked through, as this blog is obviously not what they are after:

  1. marie celeste porn I am no wallflower, but I find this odd. Either there is a famous porn star out there in porn land (like Iceland, but classier) with the name of Marie Celeste which seems to be a desperately inappropriate name for a porn star. The second reason is that this person is searching for 19th century porn. I am no pornography expert, but I imagine that 19th century porn is pretty tame by today’s standards and must be very hard to get hold of (no pun intended). The final reason, and surely the least likely, is that the Mary Celeste was – in fact – a pornography merchant ship and even though the officers and crew of this vessel disappeared they did leave the porn.
  2. contact lens bug eats eye Someone out there is obviously considering getting contact lens’, and they must have a few concerns: my eyes may hurt, I might get an infection, they could be difficult to get in. But no. They were worrying about something that I had not previously considered: that a small insect that lives in airtight, sterile, saline environments would latch onto your contact lens and then once the contact lens is inserted would then eat your entire eyeball. Suddenly, that seems like a genuine worry. Why didn’t the opticians inform me of this?
  3. big gay smoke Another one that is confusing. I don’t know whether the searcher is gay or straight. If they are gay then they are looking for a cigarette to emphasise their sexuality? Is there such a brand? Do cigarette companies still do 100’s? OR the searcher is a homophobe and consider all cities to be hotbeds of same sex activity and…someone help me out here!
  4. accelerant dog This is more worrying than anything else. There is only one possible explaination: that someone out there is considering lighting fires with dogs. I don’t know if that means drying out the dog beforehand – like tinder – or soaking it in petrol and training it to sit in the hearth so you can lay logs on top of it OR it’s trained like a guide dog  – to light fires – so that the blind can enjoy the pleasure of an open fire (that seems an inherently dangerous practice to me). They all seem too bizarre to be true, so any suggestions are welcome.
  5. oční test I have absolutely no idea what kind of test this is, but going on the strength of the numbers I am guessing it has something to do with Dysons and porn. Make of that what you will.
  6. alien abduction porn First contact must be something that government departments and intelligence agencies have debated and role played for decades – trying to get that mix of security and welcome just right. Just imagine the surprise of the aliens when the first question asked of them is if they wanted to appear in a porn film. The other, worrying (but more likely), explanation is that one of the porn stars is dressed as an alien. I would imagine that the bulk of the budget in pornography is spent on ‘talent’ and the remainder must be so meagre that any alien make-up or suit would be pretty lame, thus destroying the illusion or making the film too funny to be erotic.
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14 thoughts on “Weird Search Terms

      1. Such pejorative descriptions are out-dated and offensive. What I do is an art. It’s very high-tech these days, the quality of upskirt shots you can get on a 14 Megapixel camera with 12x optical zoom is truly outstanding.

    1. How do I find the weird search terms? Or how do I write such an imaginative, insightful and downright entertaining blog, week after week?

      If you’re looking for the search terms, then you only get that kind of information with WordPress. I see that you’re with Blogger and you don’t get stats with Blogger. Switch over, you know you want to…

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