X-Factor: Part Six

Take That and Elton John week – it could be worse. Oh, it was, we had George Michael week last time…

Firstly, the judges must have had a ruck beforehand because Cheryl’s dress looked like she had to cobble it together from some Celebrations wrappers found in the footwells of Simon’s Rolls; and Danni must have caught a left hook off of Louie because she was reet grumpy (as Cheryl would say) and had a face like a wet weekend most of the show.

I normally do a theme, but I cannot for life of me think of one. Take That and Elton John? It just seems so gay and I don’t feel comfortable wheeling out a bunch of tired, sterotypical, borderline homophobic (if I was Jimmy Carr, though, I would class it as irony…) parrallels so I am just going to play it straight (to pardon the pun):

Yet another new hairstyle for Danyl...

Danyl Johnson

I thought that Danyl’s Take That cover was excellent (as excellent as any Take That cover can be…); he danced about and moved – that’s what Take That were all about. X Factor obviously had a job lot of gold foil left over from Cheryl’s dress, so the dancers got to look like Crunchie bars as well. I thought his Elton John number was bloomin’ awful though. It wasn’t the best song in the world to begin with, but giving it the Danyl treatment turned it into roadkill. He might not make the final three because he is still a bit narcissistic.

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Lloyd, confused: I'm a giraffe?

Lloyd Daniels

I think that Lloyd tries to sing every song – no matter what it is – like Ne-Yo and so sounds bloody awful. He utterly murdered the Take That song, mooching around the stage like it was Friday night in Swansea. I also thought it was impossible to look like you weren’t playing the saxaphone but the lass on stage managed it on his Elton John number. Lloyd was awful and showed that he has about as much natural rhythm as some buckets under a leaky roof. He’s so gone.

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Is Our Stace' destined for The Bill as well?

Stacey Solomon

I cannot believe that she is as gormless as she appears, mainly because my brain won’t accept the terrible truth that she may well be. I thought her Take That number was great and her Elton number was okay – but once Simon planted the seed that she sounded like a wedding singer then her survival is assured. Everyone is going to vote for her now because she’ll be the underdog and she is the last lass left in the competition. She’ll be in the final three and maybe finally reveal her true identity: St Pauls, Gap year in Peru and King’s College drop out…

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I'm not gay, either...

Joe…what’s his name?

I am still trying to figure out what all the fuss is about with Joe. I thought his Take That song was awful, with no movement or pizazz. I thought the arrangement was terrible too with the dancers starting off like Guernica or Matisse’s tahiti pictures  – what’s that all about? Go for the target audience… His Elton John number was good, but he sounds so generic. He might get the old Spanish Elbow…hopefully.

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Vote for me or you'll be picking your teeth off the carpet, you slag.

Olly Murs

Everytime I see Olly I always think: he’s quite a chunky monkey! He was alright, but wondering round the stage like a lounge singer doesn’t seem to be his style. The Elton art direction was a tres fromage with only a tenuous link to the song and it was all very contrived. He needs better songs, the next size up in clothes and better art direction but I still reckon he’ll make the final three. Just.

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One thought on “X-Factor: Part Six

  1. I think that Stacey’s gormlessness is heavily driven by nerves. I noticed that on the pre-song VT, on Saturday, she actually sounded quite normal. It’s only when she’s been performance that she comes over all Frank Spencer.

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