Crap Chrimbo Presents

I love Christmas.

I like tinsel, presents, fake snow, real snow, santa, christmas specials on TV, Brussels’s sprouts, mulled wine. I love it all. People who don’t, who give all this: it’s just one big corporate slapdown, capitalism’s way of dictating the buying habits of the proletariat want to spread their own misery and take away the pleasure of shopping off the chain.

I do, however, agree: companies use Christmas to sell more stuff. Oh-my-god! No! That’s terrible! Really? Yes, it’s true; Argos – without any real sign of corporate guilt – use the birth of baby Jesus to make money out of us poor, unthinking, susceptible punters. The rest of the year they gently market their wares to the discernable shopper in reasonable, neutral tones. Yeah, right…

So, the point of my post: another bloggerist has promised me a voucher if I’ll plug her competition and because I have absolutely no shame it is here: competition. The comp has some kind of link to Western Union, so click the link and start transferring money around the globe in a completely non-dodgy, non drug-dealery way.

The idea of the competition is to think of the worst Christmas present that you ever received. That led me to thinking that my own hall of fame is headed by a present bought by my brother (sorry bro’…): a dancing coke can. I was quite young at the time, so my brother can be forgiven for not trying too hard, but it’s still awful because I never knew what to do with it.

All it did was this: when music comes on – or another loud noise – it dances. What do you do with a dancing coke can? I like Coca-Cola and all, but I don’t need a dancing homage to the brand. I don’t dance around my bedroom like Ferris Beuller and I wouldn’t be more inclined if I had a faux tin-can dance partner. What is the point? Answers on a post card please….

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19 thoughts on “Crap Chrimbo Presents

  1. OMG (as they, well me) say in blogland – I would have loved a dancing coke can. All my friends seemed to have them, along with the occasional dancing flower in a pot. I mean, the laughs! The pointers on disco moves (anything maxed up with coke levels of caffeine and sugar must know some mean shapes)! The reminder of a teen childhood. Sigh. I’ll swap you my can of designer shaving foam that a kind aunt gave me when I was 12. In fact, maybe we should set up a swap club. Though we’ll all be fighting over that coke can, I’ll bet you.

  2. I am no Sherlock Holmes, but I guess from your name that you are a chick. So…this begs the question: a can of shaving foam?
    Either:
    1. Your Aunt has the subtlety of a bulldozer.
    2. You liked foam parties…like, alot. (I never had foam parties when I was a teen…hmppph!)
    3. You are a bearded lady, see 1.
    4. You had cruel parents and you are, in fact, a bloke, called Amanda. That’s hard to live down in school.
    5. You are Mr Maker.
    6. You like whippies – whippies (have fun looking THAT one up…).

    That’s it, I’m out of ideas.

  3. I’m usually very gracious when receiving presents. I’m a big believer in ‘it’s the thought that counts’. The only time that I’ve objected is when my mum bought me a Simpsons tie even though I’d categorically stated that I’d refuse to wear a cartoon character based tie. I think I was well within my rights.

    The dancing Coke can fits very much in the category of presents that people buy because they don’t know what to buy so they buy something that has no purpose other than to be a present. I call them ‘professional gifts’.

      1. I’ll have to give it a whirl! Professional gifts are very closely related to items from pounds shops that don’t actually perform the task that they were designed to perform.

  4. I know someone who got a pot lid as a present.
    As in : a lid, quite large and made of clear glass, obviously not your cheap dollar store stuff, beautifully wrapped in shiny paper, and very oddly, no cooking pot to go with.
    It wasn’t for Xmas but for their wedding, and as I was there when they unwrapped it, it stuck in memory as the craziest present ever.

    1. That’s like getting a cork from a lovely bottle of champagne as a present. Look what you could’ve won…kind of thing.

      Made me laugh though. A lid. That really is shit.

  5. I had this christmas a singing bottle-opener. You could be sure I would have loved a dancing coke can to go with.
    happy new year to all of you and good luck in Suisse. Don’t forget to eat the little ones.

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