Moving – Part 1

We’re grown ups now, so it’s a long time gone when we would rent a rusty Transit and bribe our friends with promises of delivery pizza and graft induced camaraderie at the end of a job well done. No, now we use removal companies or as they are now calling themselves; relocation facilitators (sorry, I made that last bit up…)

The best bit about using removals is that they provide packers who shove your useless crap into boxes, label it Useless Crap – Loft and then you can take out your useless crap in your new house and shove it in the loft ready for your next move.

Back in the days of Transits and mate-muscle – because you don’t have a HGV license – you end up renting a van which is only big enough for half your stuff so you try and stuff as much useless crap into one box so as to best utilise the Transit’s load space. Packers don’t care about filling boxes because they use trucks called Pantechnicons and they just want all the boxes to be the same size so they can stack it easier.

Anyway, we still have had to do some clearing as we really had a great deal of rubbish in our house. What this meant is that our normally quaint, stone cottage looked like it had been taken over by pikeys with a pile of rubbish outside ready for waste collection. I have no idea why I am cataloguing our rubbish, but I’m going to do it anyway:

  1. Ikea Sofa We bought this because it is a sofa bed. This was, in fact, a swedish myth as the only people who could sleep on it are children and midgets. It was also ugly and uncomfortable. Most worrying of all was the ease of which I dismantled it with a couple of Chuck Norris style kicks.
  2. Christmas Tree We had to get rid of this years Christmas Tree – much to our son’s distress. Scarier still was that we also had to get rid of last year’s christmas tree. It was – obviously – not still erect with tinsel and lights on it. That would have been tragic and a bit creepy.
  3. An old cot This had an air of airline disaster as every airline disaster has a child’s dolly on a charred bit of fuselage. We just didn’t need it anymore so it forlornly stood in our drive holding an old lampshade.
  4. DS’s old changing table This was not a changing table specifically designed for the purpose, but an old bit of dark wood furniture we bought at a second hand…furniture place. It was stupendously ugly but was the perfect height for changing nappies. It does, however, weigh the same as a Vauxhall Corsa – so it had to go. I tried some kicks on it but I was bit more Johnny Morris than Chuck Norris.
  5. Old White Rug x 2 We had a dream. We had a dream that our house could somehow, with a simple purchase of a fluffy white rug or two, transform into a quasi-Californian show home as we languidly draped ourselves on the rugs in front of a roaring fire. What actually happened is that the kids squashed raisins, ricecakes and playdoh into them and then we washed them and then they looked like the hair of an old tramp. Dream shattered.

That’s it really, apart from the bin bags. The packers have shoved everything into boxes and our flights are tomorrow. See you on the other side.



3 thoughts on “Moving – Part 1

    1. Midgetarium? You are surely making that up? Can’t you just have an aquarium like everyone else – keeping short people in a glass box for your own personal amusement is ethically wrong…

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