Five Valleys (the removal company) shoved all of our stuff into the back of their truck, promising to meet us in Rolle, Swizzerland. We had the dubious pleasure of taking ‘Easy’jet to Geneva from Bristol Airport (which I rather like; Bristol Airport, not Easyjet). It’s only an hour and a half hour flight but DD decided that that window should be used for screaming and/or arching-of-the-back tantrums. Security was a bloody nightmare and it got to the point that DD could have been strapped to a Trident missile and they would have waved her through. We had priority boarding which means that you get to get onto the bus first, ultimately resulting in you getting off the bus last. The great British Public showed their true colours by elbowing us out of the way in their haste to get on the plane. Joy.
The flight was okay as we bought a portable DVD player which is absolutelybloodystupendouslyamazing and any parent of young children who hasn’t got one is a fool. Our section still looked as if visagoths had had a party there with wenches and spit roasts – like the bottom of a budgie’s cage, it was. When we landed a woman (who was so ugly she could stop clocks) pushed our daughter over – when challenged she replied: ‘she pushed in front of me.’
I kid ye not. Our daughter is not yet 2.
We eventually landed, leaving the Easyjet ‘crew’ to look at our seating area with slack-jawed disbelief. I figured that they swindled us for priority boarding so the least they could do is whip the hoover out.
We spent a few easy days at DWs sister’s house as we awaited the keys to our new apartment. Finally, though, we got the keys and the truck turned up as promised (despite a few frantic calls from the border). FIve Valleys moved us in in under a day, which was pretty impressive, but we still had to build our own furniture. Arseache.
The notable things that happened part deux were:
- Building an Antique Wardrobe Imagine getting an Ikea flat-pack with no idea what it is you’re building, no instructions and not all the bits. My brother-in-law and I built it and it took us three hours. It was like a cross between a lateral thinking puzzle and endurance woodwork. The only thing that kept us going were funny sentences like: I need a long screw…a couple of short screws should sort me out…I need a better angle to screw properly. You had to be there.
- Underfloor Heating After living with underfloor heating for a week or so I have concluded that we lived like savages back in the UK.
- Caves The Swiss have caves instead of lofts. They devote an underground section of the building for storing useless crap. It would have been better were they actual caves and then I could wear a Batman outfit and mumble incomprehensible sentences.
- T’Internet In the UK connecting to the internet with BT was like landing the space shuttle…remotely. I once spent nearly three hours going through call centre after call centre just to get an IP number. In Swizzerland the router is pre-configured, you just have to type in the wifi password. I shall say that again: you just plug in the box.
- Washing In Swizzerland, if you live in an apartment, then you have shared washing facilities; a bit like a launderette. In my head, it makes sense; collectively saving on the maintenance of washing machines and tumble dryers and so why not buy an industrial one? In reality it’s a pain in the arse. You have allocated days to do washing, which is great except when one of your children projectile vomits over your bed. This hasn’t happened, but it could, you know…
- Shutters The Swizzers love shutters. After years of struggling to black out rooms for sleeping babies shutters make the whole palaver a whole lot simpler. I think that because the Swiss have managed to avoid every major conflict they are worried that a super-power is going to get the hump and nuke ’em for shits and giggles, so shutters are a way of blocking out the blinding light of a nuclear detonation (that’s what I remember from When the Wind Blows, anyway…). I am guessing though. I seem to remember my sister-in-law saying that you have to keep provisions and the caves are actually bunkers. The Swiss are paranoid. Maybe they put skunk in the water supply.
That’s it for now, more soon.