Carnage

The insanity of importing a car into Swizzerland means that we have had to sell our perfectly servicable Golf in the UK. It was our first ‘proper’ car and it could transport four human beings in comfort plus a suitcase or two. We had a Punto before that, and although good enough – really – was almost see-through, the metal was so cheap and thin. Before that we had the original – and best – Mini; that was an awesome car. You could transport two adults, a couple of midgets and a bottle of water in total discomfort for at least 8 minutes before someone complained. BUT, you could park it anywhere and (if there was only one person in it) you could pull the choke out all the way and beat a Porsche Boxster off the lights. Badass.

But, the Golf had to go because we would have had to buy new tyres, get the headlights re-aligned, get a full inspection done and get new plates. Also, it would have been a real pain in the arse at every car-park and border crossing as we’d have to get out to get tickets etc…so, alas, it had to go. But we still needed a second car, so we bought another Golf (we are VW loyalists) – a bit older, but it’s an automatic (darling wife has a bad back and an auto is easier on her lumbar region…) and I managed to blag a new stereo and winter tyres. Also, it had low mileage and it is m-i-n-t.

However, my wife has spacial velocity syndrome. This is a rare condition and can effect men or women. It’s not life threatening but it can be very expensive to reverse it’s effects and there is no known cure; sufferers have to be given space and understanding. What it boils down to is that Darling Wife has no idea how big cars are and how fast they go. This has resulted in a few indiscretions with our UK car:

  1. Speeding Tickets My wife, I think, is the only person to get flashed on the same stretch of road three times. Once going to the destination and twice going back. One of them was nearly double the speed limit. Legend.
  2. Prang #1 Picture the scene: a lorry, parked. A Golf, going slowly. What could possibly go wrong? Well…if you crash into a HGV – even in a German car – and keep going until you shear free, whilst waving at the lorry driver (he did wave back vigorously, and no, he wasn’t the cheeriest London lorry driver ever) then there will be a visit to the bodyshop…but, alas not for a mango and seaweed face scrub.
  3. Prang #2 Picture the scene: a house, non-moving. A Golf, going slowly. What could possibly go wrong? Well…the laws of physics state that no two objects can occupy the same space in the universe. Another piece of evidence has been collected, shall we say.
  4. Prang #3 Picture the scene: a house, non-moving. A Golf, going slowly. What could possibly go wrong? Well, for the purposes of empiricism it has now been catagorically proven that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time…in the same place…again.
  5. Prangs #4 & 5 Because we wanted to sell the car, I took the Golf to the bodyshop so that they could suck their teeth and charge me the value of the car to repair it. They split a tight smile or two and patted the Golf semi-affectionately and muttered: ‘you’ve had a hard life, haven’t you..?’ However, in the process of discovering what needed repairing they also informed me that the car had been back-ended a couple of times as well. These, however, are not proper prangs because they only effected the alignment of the rear bumper and how the exhaust was attached.

Anyway, back to Swizzerland. So, we bought a Golf and the company who supplied it (autociel) even delivered it with a bunch of flowers. I dangled the keys in front of Darling Wife and she happily took it out that evening to go to the cinema. This is her report:

  1. Gearbox Issue My wife demanded I get on the phone to those shysters at Autociel because it only has three gears and it was right noisy going down the motorway. I didn’t know what to say for a minute or two.
  2. Parking Ticket Parking is pretty clear in Swizzerland, I think. Park it in white boxes for ever, blue boxes never. Except when they ask you to display one of the teach-yourself-how-to-read-the-time blue whatsits. DW parked in a blue box and we’ve had to kiss goodbye to 120 chuffs. Arse.
  3. Prang #1 Picture the scene: a parking garage, non-moving and half full.  A Golf, going slowly. What could possibly go wrong? Well…the laws of physics state that no two objects can occupy the same space in the universe. Another piece of evidence has been collected, shall we say. My wife didn’t want to tell me about it, she was so embarassed.

[mrshev runs for cover. Thankfully I am in the UK at the moment and MrsShev is in Switzerland so I’ll be okay for 24hrs or so…]

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