Aspire to Dribble

I have a theory (here we go…) that there is a direct correalation between toddlerhood and old age and that essentially what we want to achieve when we reach old age is to become a toddler again. I mean, who wouldn’t?

Let’s look at the evidence:

Care homes people put their aging reli(c)s into old people’s homes for the social aspect and because they don’t have time to look after them themselves because it’s economically more viable to work than care for them. This is exactly the same reasoning as putting children into nursery. You want them to be in an environment where they cannot hurt themselves and they can play with people their own age.

Eating Mushed up food When you have no gnashers, carrots and apples are like eating table legs unless you boil them to within an inch of their lives and then blitz them with a Braun. The bookended nature of life means that in all probability you end up as you started: gumming food frustratingly. If you are staying in a particularily bling residential home, are good at faking it or are not capable then you might get spoon-fed by someone else; preferably a hot nurse.

Your own buggy There is only one thing better than someone pushing you around in a buggy all day and that is having a motorised buggy. Some ‘mobility scooters’ really shift and I’m sure if you splashed a bit of your children’s inheritance around you could get the ACU remapped, put nitrus in and a couple of fat-can woofers. More Fast and the Mildly Flatulent than Fast and the Furious…though I suppose it depends on what you’ve eaten.

Elasticated Pants You can, again, wear elasticated pants with zero shame. Slip on shoes, novelty socks, bibs, socks with sandles, plastic ponchos  – there is a freedom when you hit ‘a certain age.’ You reprise your toddler mentality: you don’t give a monkey’s toss what you look like. I almost can’t wait: I’m going to dress like a combination of Kanye West and Mr Tumble. Will I look section 8? Yes. Will I get hassled by kids? No. Especially if I have a mobility scooter with a body kit.

Wearing Nappies I know that it is humiliating wearing nappies after paying taxes for 50 years, but there are certain benefits: there is no way you will miss any of the action on The Weakest Link (no pun intended), you can get beered up and never miss a round (this is obviously a double-edged sword…) and you’ll never get caught short on long car journeys. Changing them is an arseache (literally) and they’ll buldge a bit when they’re full but elasticated pants cover a multitude of sins.

Right, this is a bit of a daft post, but I am proper busy with work and so I might be a bit intermittent with postage.


7 thoughts on “Aspire to Dribble

  1. And you get to watch telly during the day, voice opinions others would only think, and hand back presents with a shake of the head, and a, ‘really not my thing, won’t use it’, the toddler equivalent of ‘Pyjamas! RUBBISH. Waaaaaaah’. And I quite like mushed up carrots and apples. You’re making it sound worryingly appealing.

  2. Hang on a second, Mrshev. Aren’t you supposed to be eating your shorts, or sharpening your spade, in readiness for digging your way out of a certain potential prize ‘holiday’? Congratulations, I do declare that you must be MAD!

    1. Yes, but I have formulated an even better plan – it’s full proof, I yell ya.

      I am currently bleaching all my best suits and – wait for it – dying them red. Boo-ya! I will then casually saunter up to the perimeter / guard tower / machine gun nest and ask for the keys.

      So simple, it’s genius!

  3. I fucking love this but more than that I just LOVE that you are a finalist fir funniest blog in those crazy cat mad awards. Something worth reading not the normal drivel. Hurrah!!

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