For no reason at all, that I remember or fathom – I was using a logo for Coca-Cola (you know: small, niche drinks manufacturer; rots your teeth, keeps you awake…) and I thought: what is the brand slogan of Coca-Cola? Enjoy Coca-Cola? Always Coca-Cola? Is that right? So, I looked it up, and you know what it is? Twist the Cap to Refreshment. I am not lying, it really is that shit.

I can just imagine the very, very big meeting with every big-dick from Coca-Cola trying to not be the one to make the wrong choice: ‘Well, we can’t say unlock because not everyone drinks from cans…twist the cap! Yeahhhh! Twist…like the dance…and cap – has that whole east L.A gang thing going on…and, well, it is refreshing…and our biggest market is the twist-cap market…we’re genius’!!!! The kids are gonna love this’

Brand slogans are strange things. Some are so insipid as to become part of everyday speech, and some are so utterly awful that you wonder if their use has damaged the brand irrevocably. There is also the trend for cities and towns to have slogans – and events too. Maybe we should have personal brand slogans? (I was thinking, for myself: Makes a Great Fourth impression…or…The Sharpest Spoon in the Toolbox…or…does his own stunts). Finally there is sonic branding, when music or a ditty has been used instead of a slogan. The horror.

Where is this leading? Nowhere! But here are some favourites:

  1. Always Coca-Cola You should always pick Coca-Cola (not that sweet Pepsi shite)…We’re gonna last forever…We’re the first we always have been…the list goes on. Clever and most people could probably hum the ‘sonic’ brand as well.
  2. A Mars a Day Helps You Work, Rest and Play (in Germany it’s: Mars mobilizes you at work, sports and play – no rest for the Germans then, eh?) It might not be true – it’s not like it’s Complan – but it was a very, very memorable slogan. So good that Mars decided to change it to (quick Google): Out of this world! What marketing spangle decided that was a good idea? Their career must be be in tatters by now (they must be so fired because it has now returned-ish to: work-rest-play). Though my favourite is the Mars European slogan: Mars: The Pleasure you can’t Measure. Please, please comment with humorous words instead of Mars…
  3. What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas How cool is this as a slogan? So good I thought it was an urban myth. I think this should be an inspiration to other towns and cities: Swindon: What Happens in Swindon, nobody cares about…or…Nottingham: The Only Way You’ll Leave is in a Box…or…Switzerland: Neutral…like beige.
  4. I Love New York Been copied, pardodied, printed on t-shirts, glazed onto mugs. Simple, memorable, clever – I think NYC even started the whole city-slogan thing and they just use the heart shape. Awesommmmmme.
  5. Columbia: The Only Risk is Wanting to Stay This is utter quality. They should have gone the whole hog and done something like: Columbia: Its So Good Here, You’ll Want To Be Kidnapped….Columbia: Take A Bit With You, Get Shot…Columbia: Get High (it is at altitude…). This kind of brutal honesty in country slogans is a rarity and opens up potential new markets: Iraq: Coming back is the Tough Part… Afghanistan: Indomitable …
  6. Just Do It Better known than Jesus. Though AdidasImpossible is Nothing is pretty bloody good as well (great website too!)

…and some that I hate:

  1. Maybe it’s Maybelline! Maybe it isn’t! Maybe you forgot to put your contact lens in! Maybe you’re far away and close up she’s ugly! Maybe you’ve had eight pints of Stella! Maybe she’s wearing Mac make-up, because it’s better!
  2. Share the Moment, Share Life I read this and it almost sounds sincere. I look at the words and they make sense, they actually mean something and they relate to the product perfectly (Kodak) but…I HATE IT. Some wanky agency in La La Land sat around brain-storming this over skinny cinnamon lattes as they shot hoops in their eco-studio and it is cheesier than a man made out of cheddar swimming in a fondue after eating 82 minibabybels. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! I don’t need your poxy cameras to share moments or life, I’ll buy another camera, from another manufacturer out of spite. Someone please explain why I hate this so much!
  3. Welcome to Scotland Who came up with that, a cat? It defies reason that this inspirational and dynamic slogan cost £125,000 real British Pounds. Honest. Honestly: £125,000 for something they copied off a doormat.
  4. Dum-dum-dom-durrrrmmmm Intel make good products that are well specced and well priced but because they have to play the dum-dum-dom-durrrrrmmmm every time they mention their name makes we want to visit Intel headquarters with a hunting rifle and an evil glint in my eye. ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

That’s it. I’m done. Relax.


15 thoughts on “Slogans

  1. There was once an colleague from India who visited me over here in the UK. He absolutely LOVED chocolate. As we travelled round the country I would buy him different chocolate bars. Each time I did, the advert/tune for that chocolate sprang into my head and I told him what it was. Eventually he started picking them up and asking me what the advert was! Who says advertising doesn’t work?

    1. I thought you were going to reply in limerick form…alas, no.

      Advertising is devilishly effective. I spoke to someone once who owned a pizzeria and every couple of weeks he’d print and deliver a few thousand mailers – he said that the upturn in trade was worth the hassle.

  2. “What Happens in Swindon, nobody cares about…” – love it! This post made me laugh a lot. I keep imagining a cat at a marketing meeting and chuckling to myself.

    Belle has developed a habit recently of memorising adverts – she’ll sing the whole song through and at the end say quietly and quickly ‘all dolls sold separately’.

    1. ‘all dolls sold separately’ – funny.

      I used to work in Children’s TV – behind the scenes, mercifully – and there were strict rules on advertising, but stuff still slipped through the net. We once had a life insurance advert during the day that asked the question: what would you do if you lost a loved one? A wife, a husband or a mother or father. We got loads of angry letters about that. The kids were traumatised!

  3. The number of times I’ve watched the start of a kid’s movie and felt the excitement when seeing and hearing…

    The Disney brand…got to love that castle, which you can actually visit, and the arc of light with tinkerbell, Fox…searchlights, booming music, very exciting and of course Dreamworks with all the amusing things that happen to that wee lad fishing on the edge of the moon!

    My worst brand slogan has to be L’Oreal, because I’m worth it…I mean please, and worst of all it has entered everyday language.

    great post!

    1. I hate the L’Oreal ones as well. Especially Andie McDowell – who doesn’t seem to do any real work any more – who has been digitally enhanced (I’m in the business, I can see the digital signature…) and wearing more makeup than Coco the bloody clown. Slapper.

  4. Very droll, as ever MrS. One of my favourites is University of East Anglia’s ‘Do Different’. (Hope it’s still the same motto, I haven’t checked, UEA alumni.) I mean, it’s got everything, and follows its thinking through to its very grammar. And I still think the New Labour ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ song was ill-chosen. What, so things are sooooo bad that even we can’t make them worse. And look what happened there. And as for Asda’s patting bottom routine – it just makes me think, ‘Yes, you are pants, I agree totally’.

  5. Ha ha yeah recently the slogan for Baltimore was ‘The Greatest City in America’ then that was taken down when someone pointed down that actually no offence it couldn’t hold a candle to San Francsisco or Chicago. Then it was ‘The City that Reads’ but after a while someone pointed out that 40 per cent of the population couldn’t read so then it became ‘Our Promise: Every Child Reading By Nine’ but I don’t think they could even keep that promise because the educatiional standard for many here is terrible so that was quashed…ho hum…back to the drawing board – all paid for by our taxes no doubt

  6. Also who thought of the new slogan for the YMCA in America ‘It’s deeper here’ – at first I thought they were offering prostitution services along with their gym membership – imagine my dissapointment when I went there only to find etc etc

    1. That’s a quality slogan.
      Sounds like the copy line for a porn movie.
      What’s the slogan for the scouts? ‘You get a merit badge for everything. Everything’

  7. Brilliant minds think alike. Which is a stupid way to say me and you are bother totally fucking genius and we must be because look, I agree!!

    But I do agree. Maybe it’s Maybelline is just idiotic. And don’t get me started on “L’Oreal. Because you’re worth it.” You’re worth what? The cheap, horrible, synthetic-filled, crappy makeup that can be bought everywhere there is space for a makeup stand? I believe their most expensive item is 22 francs. So you’re worth 2 Francs. That ain’t a compliment. That kind of slogan should be used for something expensive, to try to talk people into buying it.

    And let’s talk about New Balance “There are two motivations in sports. Which is yours? For Love or Money?” Dude. Who are you promoting to? Don’t you want to sell shoes to normal people? And normal people don’t make money with sports. Not unless they are bookies. Normal people do it for love or to lose the flab. But I do understand that “for love or flab” may not sounds as good.

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