This has been a World Cup where the superstars of World soccer underperformed or didn’t perform at all. There are probably a myriad of reasons why this is so; but it is probably a combination of them being marked men, playing in unfamilar systems and playing with solid gold football boots – which make walking difficult, let alone playing. The Nike World Cup ad, which cost an estimated $14 Trillion to make, showed pretty much every substandard performer and has transformed into a public information film about how not to perform at the World Cup.
The main culprits are:
- Lionel Messi He played some lovely football, but couldn’t hit a barn door with a bucket of paintballs. Argentina needed goals and he couldn’t provide any. The manager being stark, raving bonkers; taking cocaine and going to bed every night with a minibus of hookers (who are probably trannies) couldn’t’ve helped either.
- Wayne Rooney Our very own granny-fancier looked like a third division pub footballer. He looked off the pace and seemed to be in a permanent strop about just about everything. I think he needs Regaine, because my theory is he is getting depressed about looking like an extra from The Sweeney.
- Christiano Ronaldo Ronaldo has always looked to me like a drag queen without make-up and a frock…he’s so…plucked. But aside from my overly bitchy comment, he was playing out of position, in a totally negative formation and was marked out of most games. I think he is a fantastic player who simply had a bad tournament.
- France I have already blogged about the French – but by anyone’s standards, they had a shocker. They need to sit around and play table football for a bit so that they can get to grips with formations, passing and having fun again.
- Brazil Every time we have a World Cup the Brazilians saunter onto the pitch like the Harlem Bloody Globetrotters and start tapping the ball around for fun, doing mad tricks and generally making everyone else look like…Emile Heskey. But this World Cup there was a sense that they expected to be in the final. To me they seemed petulant. I also found their reaction to being fouled (i.e. looking like they have been shot by a sniper from 100 yards) to be reprehensible. They should have picked up more yellow cards for being a bunch of babies. Pele was a long time ago – man up!
But, on a more positive note, the winners are:
- South Africa Not the team, they were outclassed from day one, but the hosts who put on a truly marvelous World Cup. It seemed well organised, well attended and the stadiums were terrific. I loved the fan parks idea and the vuvuzelas will not be forgotten quickly.
- Refereeing Normally, I always have a good moan about the refereeing but this time – on the whole – I thought it was excellent. They seemed to encourage free-flowing football, tried to keep things calm and resisted giving out too many cards. The Spain vs Germany game was superbly referreed – where there was no time given to play acting and advantage was always played. Could have done with video replays, but that’s FIFA’s fault, not theirs…
- Sergio Ramos One of the best players in the Spanish team, in my opinion, who was never shy about getting forward. Has the ability to keep it simple or play delicate touches. Dodgy hair band though – I thought they went out with the ’90’s?
- Wesley Sneijder One of the stars of the Dutch team, who is almost a direct mix of Holland past and present: a simple up and down midfielder one minute and then a creative goal scorer the next. Have been very impressed with our Wesley.
- Miroslav Klose I have a read a bit of a Klose backlash in the UK media saying that he is just a box player with no real skill; relying on tap-ins to keep his tally up. I think this is total shite. His club form is so-so, but when he pulls on a German shirt he turns into Wonder Boy. I think it takes exceptional skill to get in a position to actually score a goal. It then takes skill to not miss. If it was so bloody easy then every game would end up 14-15. Finally, he not only scores goals but helps the rest of the team unconditionally. If he was English there’d be no complaints. Wayne Rooney cannot boast a goal, neither can Lionel Messi – it’s a hard thing to do. Duh.
- Diego Forlan Been player of the World Cup for me. He showed skill, movement and deadly finishing all through the World Cup. His club form has been excellent and he has taken that form to the World Cup. Mad looking fella as well.