In between wiping vomit and other viscous substances from objects and materials that should never have vomit and other viscous substances applied to them; cooking a la carte menus for mini-mes of A.A. Gill and Fay Maschler and entertaining said patrons like Coco the bloody Clown I am an animator and designer. Who’d have thunk it? By night I animate things (mainly in 3D), design websites and create identities. When I am busy it is hell, but most of the time it works out okay.

But, when I am not busy, where does this untapped, volcanic magma of creativity go? I try hard to entertain the kids with painting and drawing…I blog (I hope you’ve noticed…) and, well, I come up with krazy inventions that the Japanese call Chindōgo…in that they have enough sense to be nearly something useful, but are possibly too crazy to go into production. Mainly for safety reasons…or ethical reasons. You decide:

  1. Hardwipes® What the hell did parents do before wetwipes? The world must have been awash with baby poo…maybe that’s why everything in the seventies was brown. So it didn’t show up the stains…or everything was already so stained, it became brown. Nevermind. So, we at KrazyRaisers® have taken regular wetwipes and embedded (using the very latest in wetwipe embedding technology) a bendy, credit cardy bit of plastic on one side, called a scut© Why? So that you can scrape off that sticky, hard poo that takes – our studies have shown – twelve wetwipes to remove. Yes, twelve! Hardwipes take the stress out of nappy changing, make you a happier person and reduce your carbon footprint so that you can drive around in a Prius with a smug smile on your face and wear hemp jeans knowing that you have done your bit…with shit.
  2. Has-Mat!® Cleaning up after mealtimes is a chore; continually sweeping bits of food from underneath the table has resulted in me having knees like a 50yr old hooker. But Has-Mat!® will put an end to all that! Using the same neoprene-propropolene nanotechnology found in run of the mill bibs, Has-mat!® is like the biggest balaclava-poncho you never hoped to see. The end of the poncho forms a gully where all foodstuffs can be emptied (via a state-of-the-art hole), back onto the plate. For cleaning, the hole fits 99.999% of all bath plug holes so that Has-Mat® can merely be showered down at the end of the day so that you and your loved one can get smashed on a bottle of rosé rather than scuttling around under the table picking dried foodstuffs off the floor like a couple of pikey urchins.
  3. TumGun® Getting a nutritionally balanced, organic, free range meal into a pre-schooler can be like spinning the roulette wheel of behavioral psychology – more often than not you’ll end up with a piece of fusilli on the tv rather than in your little darling’s tum. But not any more! We at KrazyRaisers® have come up with a revolutionary idea. Working alongside our trading partners, B&Q, we have adapted a sealant gun to deliver food into your growing concerns in double quick time. Worried that your children are not getting the nourishment they need? Not any more! Now, with a careful application of the nozzle and a firm squeeze of the trigger 800cals of organic Cottage Pie have been delivered straight down your son’s throat. No mess. No waste. No complaints. What’s more, the last layer of the tube is fruit pureé – so you know that with the last pull of the trigger you have just shot 5-a-day in the head like it was a cheap, dimestore stick-up artist.
  4. FutilityVest® After a long day of running, playing and fighting; we all get a bit tired. But overtired? Now we’re on a different level. If you are on this different level and you want an express elevator ride to the bottom, then look no further! Press the button marked ‘yes’ for FutilityVest®! Trying to get your tantruming child into a pushchair at the playground while 20 condescending parents look at you witheringly? You need FutilityVest®! Trying to get your writhing, screeching three year old into a car seat as a traffic jam forms behind some twat in a Porsche Cayenne waiting for your parking space, even though you know that he will never  – even with all his fancy-smancy parking aids (weed!) – get his ugly, nouveau riché, tree killer into a space vacated by a VW Polo? You need FutilityVest®! What is FutilityVest®? FutilityVest® is a velcro® tank-top fashioned completely in velcro. When a thrashing, screaming child is simply placed into a specially adapted pushchair seat – he stays there! Or your money back.
  5. StaySmart Disposables® We all dread opening that wedding invite; because rather than rejoice at our friend or family’s happy day, we form a mental picture of our children’s ‘sunday best’ clothes covered in grass stains, tomato sauce and chocolate. Instead of beautific smiles, looking adoringly at your cute offspring, you see contorted, twisted faces of horror as the other revelers look at your children and think: the deprivation. But dread no more! Because StaySmart Disposables® are here! Using space-age, edge-technology called plastic, we at KrazyRaisers® have created an all-in-one plastic romper-suit that will fit children as young as 1 all the way up to adults*. Simply dress your children, slip a StaySmart Disposables® suit on top and let them run with the wolves until it is time to smarten up. Then simply tear down the perforated strip at the back and hey presto! your kids are smart again. (* StaySmart Disposables® accept no responsibilty for forensic evasion by serial killers, drug chemists or jewel thieves.)
  6. Daddies Arms® Some children can be difficult, can’t they? Instead of falling asleep with a contented smile on their face, smelling of Johnson’s Baby Powder and freshly laundered jimmies what happens more often than not is they scream blue murder, smell of sick and squeeze out another moist one just to create chaos – bed time madness, we’ve all been there! Sometimes, when there is no other option, we have to rock them to sleep. Sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes hours. So, they’re asleeep…you give them another couple of rocks to make sure…gently lay them in their cot – but no! They feel your arms being pulled from beneath them and scream! You’re back to square one and MasterChef is starting! Not any more! Here at KrazyRaisers® using state of the art inflatable technology have created heated, life-like inflatable daddy arms that you nestle your bundle of joy in and rock to sleep. Once asleep, you merely lay down Daddies Arms® and using a state-of-the-art remote control deflate them without waking baby. Now it’s time to kick off those slippers, pour yourself a quadruple whiskey and embrace MasterChef and oblivion.

I am obviously eating way too much cheese, but what can I do? It’s there.


15 thoughts on “KrazyRaisers®™

  1. Oh Mike, you are on fire! Love the idea of the Cayenne driver being a twat and if you have the time to create the velcro child seat, then its a winner. i can see them being used as aplace to ‘park’ your child in supermarkets while you go and have a coffee – like a sort of controlled crying creche – kids stuck to wall – 20ft plasma showing back to back Peppa Pig and a controlled distilled valium/oxygen mix pumped in. There must be room in those areas marked ‘customer service’ that nobody uses in supermarkets?

  2. I hope you haven’t given out too much information and that your marvellous ideas won’t be stolen. Very happy to see that parenting has not destroyed your intellect and your sense of fun. Bravo!

  3. The FutilityVest could be used for all annoying members of the family – (or simply, all the members of the family). Velcro walls are a fantastic addition to the idea. Not just toddler filing – old people containment too. Substitute Peppa Pig reel for Murder She Wrote. General sibling/parent constraint – show long loop of old photos while you get on with dealing with your children without unasked-for input.

    Back to child-care – a big strip just by the door would be good for more efficient house-leaving. Line ’em up, wipe faces, check for shoes, keys, phone – off we go.

    And maybe velcro sheets for keeping them in bed? Would be good for my 7 year old ….. think my 11 year old already has them tho’.

    1. This is the power of the internet. You put an idea out there and look what happens?

      Strip of velcro by the door is simply genius. My kids are like jumping beans and go in all directions.

  4. You could even just cover the car in velcro and stick them to the outside and listen to a decent CD for a change. Encourage your friends to do the same and when they’re not looking, stick your kids to their car and drive away quickly. I love this game!

    1. I think having children velcro’d to the side of the car would adversely effect the fuel consumption of the car…but then you could drive into a car wash and save the planet by not filling a bath. It’s a Hobson’s choice…

  5. Let me know if you get anywhere with the plastic overalls – need them urgently. Boys being pageboys in cream linen in Sept – son no. 2 is a total liability…….

  6. I like the way your followers are finessing all your ideas. It’s as though you’ve created a KrazyRaisers forum, which might just merge into a new website that leading brands will start to follow. That way, they can bypass having to do any work simply by stealing your ideas. To help them out, Velcro seems a clear winner. It would work well for paranoid parents too – any time you find yourself in a potentially compromising situation, just stick the child to you and run.
    And, apropos of nothing apart from the fact that you mentioned a Porsche Cayenne, I reversed into one last week. The owner was actually quite nice about it. It was only when I got home that I realised she probably thought I was too poor to bother with. I was wearing trashed clothes, hadn’t brushed my hair and was driving our gunk-covered family mobile. Under her breath I swear I heard her muttering, ‘There but for the grace of God… And my husband’s Goldman Sachs’ salary…’

    1. An all in one velcro body suit would be great but I would worry that I might pick up other, random children and discover that I have six kids – and a sweat on – when I arrive home…

      I hate Porsche Cayennes and anyone who drives them must be hated as well.

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