There are some things that I don’t get. What is Isofix? I know it is a way of tethering you child’s car seat to the car…but really? Is it that important in the era of airbags and crumple zones and ABS and EPS to screw your child’s car seat to the car?
Baby Einstein, what’s that all about? Is there really a connection between playing classical music to a baby and their ultimate intelligence or academic performance? Who was given the bloody decision that classical music is somehow more worthwhile or stimulating than The Beatles or Brian Eno? Did Einstein listen to classical music all day as a baby? No, he probably didn’t. The idea that you can terraform your child into a genius is utter baloney,
However, there were certain things and situations that are not covered in the books; stuff we all know and do but have yet to put a name to. Below are a list of terms that I have originated, but I want to add more. So, if you have any that I think are tippity-top-tastic then I’ll add them. If I don’t, then it means that they are in no way not valid but just not tippity-top-tastic…maybe just tippity top. Maybe I’ll just add everything and everyone will be happy.
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.
I won’t get any comments now.
- Yoghurt Shaving The process of cleaning a child’s face – who has just messily eaten a pot of yoghurt – with the spoon that you are feeding them with. Once you have completed the Trumper demonstration you can recycle the shaved yoghurt back into the urchin’s open, waiting mouth. (you can, alternatively, turn the spoon round and sculpt a Captain Birdseye beard.)
- Seat-Snack When a child searches the crevices of their car sea, finds an old raisin or ricecake and then eats it.
- Colour Cuisine Strategic dressing of children to correlate with a particular food – especially it’s overall colour. This also works the other way around. Tomato sauce is obviously a dye powerful enough to tattoo with and must be eaten wearing red / orange clothes or patterned clothes…or horrible birthday presents.
- Toy Amnesty A day that is allocated so as to collect together all toys, parts of toys; plastic arms, legs, heads; jigsaw pieces, tokens, counters, dice and general plastic, playable detrious; so that all toys can be re-assembled or re-united to their original form, condition or arrangement so that they become fully functioning toys again. (n.b. This does not apply to technical lego as each component is not visible to the human eye.)
- Shitprints The trail left by an infant, still in nappies, who managed to get their feet into a dirty nappy and has run off without you stopping them.
- Zombie Baby-snatcher Walking in the same way that a zombie would if they had stolen a baby so as not to get paint/food/poo on your nice clothes as you ferry them to the bathroom to get bathed.
- Apolo-hit When a child hits a sibling or other child, whilst saying sorry at the same time.
- Toy Deification When a child, in a room of other children, has a toy or object that every other child wants and so holds it aloft or cuddles to their chest lest it be taken from them. All other children want to hold or play with this totemic object until the children discover another toy and then the deification of this toy or object is over. Like any religion there is much weeping, begging, yearning and summary violence.
- Prenzy When a child on Christmas Day or their birthday opens so many presents that they cannot stop opening presents and no long care what is beneath the wrapping and merely want to continue the frenzy of unwrapping yet more presents. Can only be cured with cake.
- Screamdraft Much like the namesaked ‘backdraft’ in the movie of that name, this is the 2 seconds (or what seems like a full minute) of sound ‘absence’ and extreme ‘lung fillage’ where the world appears to stop. It usually follows scenario 2 (see below) and is followed by noise of unadulterated proportions in the higher regions of the screaming scale! (courtesy of Russell)
- Momendoom – When a child (usually whilst extremely happy and content) runs happily along a path which then inclines downwards just enough to encourage their upper body to move at a slightly faster pace than the lower body. This results in a wide eyed expression as the child topples at speed and invariably scuffs all manner of extremeties followed shortly by 1 (see above). Most parents will be that awkward distance away whereby they cannot quite reach them in time, so tend to recoil in an anticipatory body wince, whilst automatically reaching for a wipe/cloth/tissue on the one hand and some form of compensatory treat in the other. Then they run! (courtesy of Russell)
- Nomance – When children either squeeze between, or physically separate, their parents on the rare occasion that they cuddle each other. (courtesy of Rob B)
- Wee-nial – Your child gives the one syllable answer of ‘no’ to the often asked question: ‘do you need the loo before we go out’. Almost always results in the following – child says ‘I need a wee’ only when securely strapped into car seat. (courtesy of Daniel)
- Gumdernourished – State of a toddler in possession of only four front teeth, an attraction to hard foodstuffs and a low ‘chew tolerance’. Now able to bite, the child becomes hell-bent on snapping off chunks of hard/crunchy/chewy food* into their gaping maw, only to masticate frantically for 2-3 minutes before pushing the mushy results out with their tongue. Over the course of a meal this process forms a small avalanche – apparently composed of the contents of your kitchen scraps caddy – down their chin and the front of their chest. Parents are warned against attempting the ‘yoghurt shaving’ technique (see post) to complete consumption; this will be met with disapproval and secondary regurgitation. Total calorie intake for the average meal: approx 0.0001 kcal.
*E.g. carrot sticks, chicken, prawns, Hula Hoops, Highland Toffee…etc (courtesy of Eh Mummy)
- Syllababble – Prompted by someone’s suggestion of how to explain complex things to a small child. I find myself getting caught in loops of mental knottery trying to explain something that would normally require long words in complex grammatical formation (believe it or not I can still do that occasionally). How do you get the idea of ‘why can’t I marry daddy?’ or ‘how did I get from Mummy’s tummy into the world?’ into words of one syllable? With time and some silence it’s quite simple, but with incessant noise and the constant tuggings of 2 small wotnots, I tend to get tongue tied and ‘babble’…much to the amusement and wry smile of my wife. Hence the title. (courtesy of Russell)
- Sabo-tech – The ‘sabotage’ of perfectly innocent and useful technological items in the home by creative little urchins. For instance; finding a lime green teaset saucer peeking out from the DVD player as it has been unsuccessfully ‘inserted’, or the putrid stench of slowly melting plastic food that has been secretly left in the oven (only to be discovered after the oven has been left to ‘warm up’ for 15 minutes), or the multitude of amendments and additions they can make to one’s iPhone; from deleting icons completely to adding 77 new ‘notes’ – all now ‘sync’ed to my work computer and which all start with ghshgdkydfusykashdla or similar! (courtesy of Russell)
- Repeatalive – The process of doing the exact same action or procedure at the same time every day for a week or more that so that you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. For example: preparing your child’s rucksack or putting the toy soldiers back in the tin…again…and again…and again. (courtesy of MrShev)