New Glossary of terms

Being a parent has opened up a world of new words, terms and phrases. Things I never knew existed: isofix, star-chart, Calpol, timeout, frazzled and sleep routine.

There are some things that I don’t get. What is Isofix? I know it is a way of tethering you child’s car seat to the car…but really? Is it that important in the era of airbags and crumple zones and ABS and EPS to screw your child’s car seat to the car?

Baby Einstein, what’s that all about? Is there really a connection between playing classical music to a baby and their ultimate intelligence or academic performance? Who was given the bloody decision that classical music is somehow more worthwhile or stimulating than The Beatles or Brian Eno? Did Einstein listen to classical music all day as a baby? No, he probably didn’t. The idea that you can terraform your child into a genius is utter baloney,

However, there were certain things and situations that are not covered in the books; stuff we all know and do but have yet to put a name to. Below are a list of terms that I have originated, but I want to add more. So, if you have any that I think are tippity-top-tastic then I’ll add them. If I don’t, then it means that they are in no way not valid but just not tippity-top-tastic…maybe just tippity top. Maybe I’ll just add everything and everyone will be happy.

Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.

I won’t get any comments now.

  1. Yoghurt Shaving The process of cleaning a child’s face – who has just messily eaten a pot of yoghurt – with the spoon that you are feeding them with. Once you have completed the Trumper demonstration you can recycle the shaved yoghurt back into the urchin’s open, waiting mouth. (you can, alternatively, turn the spoon round and sculpt a Captain Birdseye beard.)
  2. Seat-Snack When a child searches the crevices of their car sea, finds an old raisin or ricecake and then eats it.
  3. Colour Cuisine Strategic dressing of children to correlate with a particular food – especially it’s overall colour. This also works the other way around. Tomato sauce is obviously a dye powerful enough to tattoo with and must be eaten wearing red / orange clothes or patterned clothes…or horrible birthday presents.
  4. Toy Amnesty A day that is allocated so as to collect together all toys, parts of toys; plastic arms, legs, heads; jigsaw pieces, tokens, counters, dice and general plastic, playable detrious; so that all toys can be re-assembled or re-united to their original form, condition or arrangement so that they become fully functioning toys again. (n.b. This does not apply to technical lego as each component is not visible to the human eye.)
  5. Shitprints The trail left by an infant, still in nappies, who managed to get their feet into a dirty nappy and has run off without you stopping them.
  6. Zombie Baby-snatcher Walking in the same way that a zombie would if they had stolen a baby so as not to get paint/food/poo on your nice clothes as you ferry them to the bathroom to get bathed.
  7. Apolo-hit When a child hits a sibling or other child, whilst saying sorry at the same time.
  8. Toy Deification When a child, in a room of other children, has a toy or object that every other child wants and so holds it aloft or cuddles to their chest lest it be taken from them. All other children want to hold or play with this totemic object until the children discover another toy and then the deification of this toy or object is over. Like any religion there is much weeping, begging, yearning and summary violence.
  9. Prenzy When a child on Christmas Day or their birthday opens so many presents that they cannot stop opening presents and no long care what is beneath the wrapping and merely want to continue the frenzy of unwrapping yet more presents. Can only be cured with cake.
  10. Screamdraft Much like the namesaked ‘backdraft’ in the movie of that name, this is the 2 seconds (or what seems like a full minute) of sound ‘absence’ and extreme ‘lung fillage’ where the world appears to stop. It usually follows scenario 2 (see below) and is followed by noise of unadulterated proportions in the higher regions of the screaming scale! (courtesy of Russell)
  11. Momendoom – When a child (usually whilst extremely happy and content) runs happily along a path which then inclines downwards just enough to encourage their upper body to move at a slightly faster pace than the lower body. This results in a wide eyed expression as the child topples at speed and invariably scuffs all manner of extremeties followed shortly by 1 (see above). Most parents will be that awkward distance away whereby they cannot quite reach them in time, so tend to recoil in an anticipatory body wince, whilst automatically reaching for a wipe/cloth/tissue on the one hand and some form of compensatory treat in the other. Then they run! (courtesy of Russell)
  12. Nomance – When children either squeeze between, or physically separate, their parents on the rare occasion that they cuddle each other. (courtesy of Rob B)
  13. Wee-nial – Your child gives the one syllable answer of ‘no’ to the often asked question: ‘do you need the loo before we go out’. Almost always results in the following – child says ‘I need a wee’ only when securely strapped into car seat. (courtesy of Daniel)
  14. Gumdernourished – State of a toddler in possession of only four front teeth, an attraction to hard foodstuffs and a low ‘chew tolerance’. Now able to bite, the child becomes hell-bent on snapping off chunks of hard/crunchy/chewy food* into their gaping maw, only to masticate frantically for 2-3 minutes before pushing the mushy results out with their tongue. Over the course of a meal this process forms a small avalanche – apparently composed of the contents of your kitchen scraps caddy – down their chin and the front of their chest. Parents are warned against attempting the ‘yoghurt shaving’ technique (see post) to complete consumption; this will be met with disapproval and secondary regurgitation. Total calorie intake for the average meal: approx 0.0001 kcal.
    *E.g. carrot sticks, chicken, prawns, Hula Hoops, Highland Toffee…etc (courtesy of Eh Mummy)
  15. Syllababble – Prompted by someone’s suggestion of how to explain complex things to a small child. I find myself getting caught in loops of mental knottery trying to explain something that would normally require long words in complex grammatical formation (believe it or not I can still do that occasionally). How do you get the idea of ‘why can’t I marry daddy?’ or ‘how did I get from Mummy’s tummy into the world?’ into words of one syllable? With time and some silence it’s quite simple, but with incessant noise and the constant tuggings of 2 small wotnots, I tend to get tongue tied and ‘babble’…much to the amusement and wry smile of my wife. Hence the title. (courtesy of Russell)
  16. Sabo-tech – The ‘sabotage’ of perfectly innocent and useful technological items in the home by creative little urchins. For instance; finding a lime green teaset saucer peeking out from the DVD player as it has been unsuccessfully ‘inserted’, or the putrid stench of slowly melting plastic food that has been secretly left in the oven (only to be discovered after the oven has been left to ‘warm up’ for 15 minutes), or the multitude of amendments and additions they can make to one’s iPhone; from deleting icons completely to adding 77 new ‘notes’ – all now ‘sync’ed to my work computer and which all start with ghshgdkydfusykashdla or similar! (courtesy of Russell)
  17. Repeatalive – The process of doing the exact same action or procedure at the same time every day for a week or more that so that you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. For example: preparing your child’s rucksack or putting the toy soldiers back in the tin…again…and again…and again. (courtesy of MrShev)
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27 thoughts on “New Glossary of terms

  1. Very good Mr.Shev. Liked the yoghurt shaving and Prenzy.

    I have 2 that spring to mind…feel free to bin or include as deemed appropriate 😉

    1. Screamdraft – Much like the namesaked ‘backdraft’ in the movie of that name, this is the 2 seconds (or what seems like a full minute) of sound ‘absence’ and extreme ‘lung fillage’ where the world appears to stop. It usually follows scenario 2 (see below) and is followed by noise of unadulterated proportions in the higher regions of the screaming scale!

    2. Momendoom – When a child (usually whilst extremely happy and content) runs happily along a path which then inclines downwards just enough to encourage their upper body to move at a slightly faster pace than the lower body. This results in a wide eyed expression as the child topples at speed and invariably scuffs all manner of extremeties followed shortly by 1 (see above). Most parents will be that awkward distance away whereby they cannot quite reach them in time, so tend to recoil in an anticipatory body wince, whilst automatically reaching for a wipe/cloth/tissue on the one hand and some form of compensatory treat in the other. Then they run!

    Cheers,

    Russ

  2. Screamdraft is an absolute belter and made me laugh out loud. I find that the four seconds – or what have you – gives me enough time to locate an ice-cream or a plaster.

    Momendoom is also a cracker and so, so true. I had it with Darling Daughter who hurled herself down a slope on a scooter that I would think twice about on skis. There was no way I’d catch her and I just had to watch as the speed wobble increased exponentially until she flipped off (we, obviously, bought her a helmet. But her response was: don’t like it and then throws it on the ground, ruining any shock absorbing qualities it may have had…). School of hard knocks and all that…

    1. Didgeridoo? Dinosaur? Dildo! Gotta be dildo…

      This is a very random comment that was flagged as spam, but I unspammed it so I could play i-spy – a game that I have played with my kids on epic car journeys and the answer is invariably…car…or sky.

  3. Screamdraft. Oh, yes. Familiar with that.

    There is also the related CryPause, which is that awful moment when you see your child hurt themselves, blink twice as they process what has just happened and realise they’ve hurt themselves, and then wail at the top of their voice to let you (and indeed anyone within a 100 metre radius) know all about it.

  4. God I really want to join in. Dammit. I’m thinking. But I’m not very good at quick thinking, more of a sit back and need a few hours to mull over kinda gal. I’ll do that and maybe get back to you if that’s ok? I’m loving this list and will shamelessly drop them into conversations, yogurt shaving and screamdraft being my faves.

  5. This is making me not just chuckle in recognition but smile smugly bigtime as I am realising that my youngest is just beyond most of these fantastic phases/phrases. It is also a wonderful contraceptive device – just the thought of going back to Yoghurt Shaving and Shitprints makes me feel like booking that Sterilisation Operation I threatened last pregnancy. Do you know I even get to sit in parks for minutes at a time now. Full minutes. Never going back – never.

    We call the Screamdraft the Tom & Jerry syndrome – that achingly long silence (2 blinks about right) before Tom realises his tail is on fire etc. Funny how I am never spurred into action UNTIL the wailing actually begins. Savouring that tiny fragment of quietness I suppose.

    Having said all that about being (mainly) out of the fray, fully (and that’s big, round and fully) grown husband thing could do with some Colour Cuisine. There are some things that are never grown-out-of it seems.

    1. I know what you mean. I look at people with tiny babies and think: never again. They’re great when you get them, but I am enjoying having the ability to go for a poo without someone hurting themselves (not that my poos are that toxic – but that they can be left on their own for a bit. If your poos were that virulent then you’d need to see the doctor or something?)

  6. I’m loving them – yoghurt shaving is a favourite as well as ‘nomance’ as that happens frequently around here! I wanted to suggest something but the mind’s gone blank. I will be back when I think of something.

    1. Thanks for reading – would be great to have another suggestion.

      I have one but cannot think of a word for it – when your partner (wife, in this instance) mentions and then tries to explain a thing to a child under five that really shoudn’t be explained to a child under five. Like: cancer…prostitution…torture.

  7. Oh I’m always doing that! Yes there definitely needs to be a word for that. Shit-I’ve-just-gone-and-hit-the-throttle-on-my-rudderless-motormouth-again doesn’t really cut it. It’s a bit like paddling nicely in the sea and turning round to smile at oh god where’s my family? All I can see is sea…….

    You can tell I’ve never been trained in marketing or anything can’t you…..

    I do sometimes ask my daughter ‘Are your lips aware that your brain has now left the building?’ I don’t mean it nastily. I’m simply trying to guide her gently away from taking after me.

    I’m not being very helpful am I? My fingers are obviously not aware that my brain has……..

  8. Also add:
    WEE-NIAL
    in which your child gives the one syllable answer of ‘no’ to the often asked question: ‘do you need the loo before we go out’. Almost always results in the following – child says ‘I need a wee’ only when securely strapped into car seat.

    MAID AT HOME
    The dichotomy that arises when a child discards their clothing all on their own, which is cute and shows progress; and all over the house which is a pain in the arse.

    1. Wee-nial is top-draw (I don’t know where this phrase comes from – possibly drugs and pharmacies) kids glossary stuff: tippetty-top tastic.

      I know what you mean about the other one, but I think it is more rock-star-itis than anything else. Leaving clothes around, lobbing food and being fed grapes while they watch TV. That kind of thing.

  9. Bloody brilliant..! You and Russell should co-author a book (stand aside Douglas Adams and The Meaning of Liff…)
    Here’s my poor-by-comparison attempt to join in:

    Gumdernourished
    State of a toddler in possession of only four front teeth, an attraction to hard foodstuffs and a low ‘chew tolerance’. Now able to bite, the child becomes hell-bent on snapping off chunks of hard/crunchy/chewy food* into their gaping maw, only to masticate frantically for 2-3 minutes before pushing the mushy results out with their tongue. Over the course of a meal this process forms a small avalanche – apparently composed of the contents of your kitchen scraps caddy – down their chin and the front of their chest.
    Parents are warned against attempting the ‘yoghurt shaving’ technique (see post) to complete consumption; this will be met with disapproval and secondary regurgitation.
    Total calorie intake for the average meal: approx 0.0001 kcal.
    *E.g. carrot sticks, chicken, prawns, Hula Hoops, Highland Toffee…etc

  10. A couple that have popped in to my head of late…

    3. Whycycling. The incessant questioning of ‘why?’ to everything, which initially any parent takes as a challenge to see if they can resolve such childish inquisition. Such as ‘why is the sky blue…?’ etc. etc. It usually results in a whole torrade of ever invented reasons, convoluted logic and ultimately (at least in my case) comes back to the same original answer in an attempt to reason your child into utter confusion. Either that …or simply ‘because…now eat your lunch!’

    4. Syllababble. Prompted by someone’s suggestion of how to explain complex things to a small child. I find myself getting caught in loops of mental knottery trying to explain something that would normally require long words in complex grammatical formation (believe it or not I can still do that occasionally). How do you get the idea of ‘why can’t I marry daddy?’ or ‘how did I get from Mummy’s tummy into the world?’ into words of one syllable? With time and some silence it’s quite simple, but with incessant noise and the constant tuggings of 2 small wotnots, I tend to get tongue tied and ‘babble’…much to the amusement and wry smile of my wife. Hence the title.

    Delete as appropriate…

  11. No idea why…but this blog post has infected my brain…I was dreaming about it last night;

    5. Sabo-tech. The ‘sabotage’ of perfectly innocent and useful technological items in the home by creative little urchins. For instance; finding a lime green teaset saucer peeking out from the DVD player as it has been unsuccessfully ‘inserted’, or the putrid stench of slowly melting plastic food that has been secretly left in the oven (only to be discovered after the oven has been left to ‘warm up’ for 15 minutes), or the multitude of amendments and additions they can make to one’s iPhone; from deleting icons completely to adding 77 new ‘notes’ – all now ‘sync’ed to my work computer and which all start with ghshgdkydfusykashdla or similar!

    1. The amount of times I have have pressed the ‘restore from backup’ is not worth thinking about. What is it about posting things? They see a slot then coins have to go in it. This is the second car who’s CD player has been sabo-teched by my lot…

      Great suggestion!

      1. Magic. I was woken today by my 16 mnth girl ‘posting’ dry Shreddies into my mouth. They are surprisingly pointy and sharp when un-milky, so resistance proved unwise. Not an alarm call I recommend.

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