X-Factor – The Judge’s ‘Houses’

I made an silent promise – as if I were giving up smoking or sniffing UHU – that I would not blog about X-Factor. I blogged about it last year and like a fellow blogger has said, more succinctly that me, it ties you down week after week to record the happenings like a modern day Samuel Pepys. But I am not going to do that this year, I will write the odd post about X-Factor, but not weekly updates. You’ll just have to read The Star like everyone else.

After the usual shenanigans of auditions and boot camp we came down the the final 32, split into the categories of boys, girls, groups and has beens. You could see it written on the faces on each act: ‘I wanna be in Danni’s group, I wanna go to Australia, I wanna be in Danni’s group, I wanna go to Australia…‘ So the boys lucked out and flew economy to Sydney, the Girls caught the bus to Cheryl’s, the groups went for all-day breakfast on the Costa-del-Chav with Simon and the has beens hopped on a Ryanair to Dublin to see what house Louis managed to blag on’t internet.

The Boys

No real shocks here. Danni played it safe and went for one pretty boy (Aidon), one quirky wierdo (Nicolo) and a people’s champion (Matt). Aidon is like Will Young all over again and he will sell (terrible) records by the…mb worth. He has the usual yodelly, pop voice that makes me want to smash crockery – but it’s now all about market, market, market; and he’ll be all over that market like Lynx.

Maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t Nicolo be competing in X-Factio in Italy or something? Isn’t he, like, a ringer? Is this against the rules? Has X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent scraped out so many barrels and stage-school broom wagons that they have to start resorting to grey imports? I dunno…but I kinda like him. He’s – obviously! – one cornetto short of a gondola ride, but he’s got a mad glint in his eye and he might – if lagered up enough – glass Simon.

‘I got nuffin’ me. Dis is all I ‘ave. If I don’t win this, I’m gonna chuck myself offa Beachy ‘Ed.‘ (Sobs.) Ah, Matt Cardle, the people’s champion, you gotta love ‘im, eh? The thing is, I think he’s got the best voice and I was glad he beat that crooner bloke (ex session singer who’s voice made me want to shoot myself in the face). He will go far because the Great British Public like to see one of them make it…and then they will deride him and say: ‘e’s turned ‘is back on ‘is roots. Who does ‘e think ‘e is?’ Also, he nearly floored Danni, when he found out he’d gone through – which is not hard as she only weighs six grams and is actually 2D – FACT!

The Groups

The only entertaining thing about the groups are their names which their vague nods towards proper spelling and cringe-worthy right-on-ness. The final ‘selection’ are F.Y.D (which can be treated with ointment, apparently), Belle Amie (which is Beautiful friend (f) – so it’s not even plural! Even my crappy French could do better than this!) and One Direction (which sounds like the corporate slogan for a tarmac company). F.Y.D (which is not infectious. I repeat: not infectious) are a boy band covering all bases: token black singer, token ugly bloke, token pretty boy, token cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat boy. Expect: matching outfits, dodgy dance routines and lots of hugging.

Belle Amie [sic] are a band created out of girly odds and ends and socks that don’t match. In a way it was like watching a documentary about A&R putting together a music group for profit – watching it felt wrong. Anyway, they’re young, they’re pretty and eventually they’ll get knocked out because all the groups do.

One Direction (for all your asphalt needs) are a band created out of boy odds and ends and socks that don’t match. The difference here is that the average age is about 14 and they all – apart from the posh one with the emerging afro – have the freshly born calf hair-do….but dry. It looks like they had a shower, got into a Porsche, sprayed their hair with product and stuck their heads out the window backwards. Nice look.

The Has Beens

This could have been the best group  – ever! – if they had picked Wagner Carrilho because as far as I could tell he is a singing, Mexican, all-in wrestler and there would have only been high jinx in the live shows. Instead, Louis – in his rent-a-lifestyle house – picked John Adeleye who seems really good. But I do wonder whether market forces (i.e Simon Cowell) will push him out early. Shame, that, because he has a cracking voice.

Next up is Storm Lee. My own, little conspiracy theory is that he is – in fact – Captain Sensible, back from the brink in a bid to get some stardom back. He seems pretty random, but wierdly clever, so there might be some great sparring matches with the judges.

Finally, there is Mary Byrne who is Susan Boyle‘s sister. She has got a great voice, but when they showed the shot of her x-factor introduction I felt myself do a sharp intake of breath. That is not a good sign. No, it’s not. She looked like a hellish cross of Jabba-the-Hut and Mystic Meg.

The Girls

If I hear Cheryl say: ‘you’re a proper little popstar, you.‘ one more time I will self combust. But she picked Rebecca Ferguson who seems genuinely talented and has great sob/back story to match. She might win it.

Then, much to everyone’s surprise, Cheryl decided to mix gin and Benylin and we all know that that is a potent combination that only leads to embarrassment, violence and terrible decisions. She picked Katie Waissel who seemed to have some kind of breakdown in her audition. Added to the fact that she is from Interview with a Vampire and is the worst advertisement for the public school system ever then it comes across as an insane choice. She can obviously sing, but…

Then Cheryl started mixing the gin and Benylin with schnaps and – well, we all know what happened next, don’t we? She picked a Thunderbird. I work in the field of CGI and SFX and even with my trained eyes, I couldn’t see the wires. Maybe she’s animatronic or something, but she FREAKS ME OUT. She can’t sing and she is smaller than Danni, which makes her 1D. What a strange, strange choice. ‘We’ve never had anyone like you before,’ said Cheryl. There is a reason for that, love.

Right, I’m done!

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10 thoughts on “X-Factor – The Judge’s ‘Houses’

  1. Excellent summary Mr Shev. The judges’ houses is my favourite bit – I love watching them get really built up for it, and then being sent packing.

    I’m pretty pleased with the choices, especially Storm. I’ve loved him ever since his audition when Simon refused to call him Storm, saying it was a stupid name, even though he had it properly changed twenty years ago. You have to admire the arrogance of a man who feels he can just decide to call someone something different because their real name is a bit silly.

    I love Rebecca too – love the fact she turned up so smartly dressed to all her auditions, complete with evening gown, pearls etc.

    1. Re: Rebecca – but have you seen how they have restyled her? Bloody nora! I thought she had a real ‘look’; a kind of vintage classy look that was all her own. Now they gone and ruining it.

  2. Ah very good, you did of course forget the prize that was advertised during one of the commercial breaks. Win an X factor holiday of your choice. The choice being either Down Under with a bag a cash, Marbella innit with some cash, Ascot with a small amount of cash or Ireland with no cash…. I still haven’t made my mind up which I’d prefer…

    1. Thanks for commenting, always great to have a new reader.

      Or win tickets to a live show. I’d want that, especially if they threw in flights and accommodation in London…

  3. Aha! I knew Katie was secretly posh. Spill – how and what did you find out? Don’t tell me you’re not just watching X-Factor AND blogging about it, but you’re ALSO Googling stuff about the contestants?

    I swore that I wouldn’t get into it this year, but I’m hook, line and sinker and not-so-secretly disappointed that it’s not already Friday so I could look forward to watching it tomorrow. Which is a long sentence for saying, ‘Shouldn’t’ and ‘Sad’.

    I predict Gamu returning (they do love a wild card and immigration story, so the combination is dynamite) and one of the Simon-formed bands winning. Can I have one of your illustrations if I’m right? What’s your prediction?

    1. I have no insider knowledge about Katie – I am just being incendiary, as always.

      I am hooked – again – and my prediction is Aidan or Rebecca. They are right up Simon’s strazza. (Yes, you can have an illustration if you’re right)

  4. Too good, had a good laugh at that. You’re spot on. I’m already disgusted with myself for being hooked so early on. I admit to backing the skinny waif Cher, she’s ‘right up my street’ too.

    I live in Scotland and there’s a bloody national campaign to ‘Give Gamu a visa’. It’s actual front page news.

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