A Perfect Man

Blogging buddy and all-round funny girl Slummy Single Mummy ‘tagged’* me in her post: she asked me to write who would be my perfect man. It’s a bizarre request, but I thought I’d give it a shot.

This is quite out of my comfort zone as I am hetrosexual, married and I have bred. That’s not to say that I am over-compensating and am actually a closet homosexual and find men secretly attractive. No. But I have been asked to write what ten qualities would comprise my perfect man, so I have to reach a bit and either pretend to be a woman or pretend to be gay. As I don’t have funbags, a sack full of useless crap and an ability to talk on a phone for 8 hours straight I think it would be safer to pretend to be gay. But, because I am not gay either then I fully expect my gay readership (if I have one) to put me straight (if you’ll pardon the pun):

  1. Ability to make me laugh It’s got to be top of the list, hasn’t it? Obviously – being blokes – this will revolve around fart gags, creative use of swear words and knob jokes. When these dry up, funnier men  (like The Pythons, Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor) can be leant upon, quoted and have their jokes recycled for the greater good.
  2. Geekiness I am a geek. My prospective man must, then, have a love of all things fashioned from plastic, Mobos, HDs and open source SW. Anyone obsessed with how wonderful the past was with it’s quaint reliance on village postmasters; banging out bulletins on old Remington typewriters – the ink staining the cuffs of their tweed sports-jacket – whilst supping draughts of cloudy, brown ale should just piss right off.
  3. Hard Headed Anyone who believes in Santa Claus, fairies, ghosts, leprechauns, or Jesus comes in through the out door. I don’t believe in anything that pre-schoolers think is credible. Talking of which…
  4. Like Kids Kids are great! You can climb with them, paint with them, read mad books, watch great films do extreme sports. You get to eat junk-food when you want and sing shit songs! Kids are GREAT and any bloke who doesn’t like them gets the old Shev Towers trap-door / shark-pit combo.
  5. Drinking Ability I don’t get shit-faced that much anymore, but when I do it’s good to have a drinking buddy about who is up for it. You don’t want the hollow-legged variety – they just make you look bad. Or the two-pints-of-shandy-and-now-i’m-pissed bloke – they just create a short night. You just need someone who gets funnier the more they drink and doesn’t start aggro.
  6. Rank of Major, at least If they don’t own an Xbox then they are either living in some kind of technological purgatory (PC World springs to mind) or are Anne Widdecombe. Bottom line is that most guys in my generation are members of the video game generation; so, any bloke who doesn’t have at least a rank of major in COD4 gets the spanish elbow.
  7. Like Footie This is not a deal breaker, but I like to talk about football because I like to talk about football. I understand that some guys are not into football – and that’s cool – but it may effect our chances of a long, fulfilling relationship. So, start watching Football Focus, fellas, if you wanna make the F.A Cup final with the Shevster.
  8. Be the same size as me So I could borrow their clothes and shoes and stuff.
  9. Be Unspendably Rich If some dude sends me his stats and he also mentions that he is minted then the other guy has got to be – like – a vampire or something to trump that. I know money doesn’t make you happy…and blah-de-bloody-blah – but I’d like a chance to find out. I’d wanna crash a Bentley – just for fun, maybe even organise a demolition derby with Bentleys. Fly helicopters! Gold cutlery! All that good shit.
  10. Be a Jedi It would be great if they were a Jedi. They don’t even need to be a fully qualified Jedi, just a trainee – like Anakin – would be fine. They could sort out disputes, use their confused, semi-buddist credo to baffle dinner party guests and I always thought light-sabers would be perfect for slicing bread and making toast...at the same time. Also, they could use the Force to get the remote. Bad-ass.

So, there you have it. If Cilla Black can hook me up then she is a scouse cupid.

* Being tagged means that when someone writes a post about something then they suggest other bloggers to write upon the same subject  – hence this bizarre post. The original idea of this post was from Mommy Has a Headache who is a very funny American blogger and she tagged Slummy SIngle Mummy…who tagged me, for some reason. It’s kind of like a chain letter, but less creepy. So, now I have to tag people (in a non-creepy way):

So to keep the momentum up:

Dr Angel’s World of Sheds She might write one, she might not, but if she does it will be funny, odd and maybe a touch disturbing.

The Doll Says A very funny blogger who won’t write one at all. Guaranteed.

Driving MsMiranda I like this blog and she could write about her perfect car, maybe…or not.

Eh Mummy? She only writes one post a month or something like that, but they are worth it, so maybe this ‘tag’ will rouse this sleeping giant…ess.


27 thoughts on “A Perfect Man

    1. Because you’re not down with the kids, surfing the zeitgeist or pushing back the envelope on the new blogger revolution.

      (probably because I don’t pimp it very well, is the sorry truth…)

  1. Use the force to get the remote? So very cool. And it would be nice not to have to yell for the kids to stop doing their homework so they can come and get it for me.

  2. Loving the blog, but I’m not convinced. Your oblique Twilight reference and ambition to get a guy the same size as you so you can “borrow their clothes and shoes and stuff” give you away. You’re actually a teenage girl and your ideal bloke is Jay-Z.

  3. Sigh…..you hit the nail on the head ….the ideal man is a Jedi!! sorting out disputes, using confused, semi-buddist credo to baffle dinner party guests and light-sabers for slicing bread and making toast…at the same time

  4. Nice! The first 70% of your list was freaking me out. The remaining pretty much ruled me out.
    We can be friends after all!

    A very entertaining read. I respect how you managed to keep your intro disclaimer just short of a novel. I would of worn my keyboard to nubs if I had attempted.

      1. Ah go on, wilful suspension of disbelief, you can do it! Certainly the British public have been engaged in same since they voted in the Conserv-Lib-Dem-ative thang. Or is it Con-Liberal?

        Anyway, I practice it all the time, usually when stepping off the bathroom scales…

        Your Blog makes me laugh, thanks for that!

  5. In order of your points:

    Yup, hmmm…, Que?, Yup, Yup, Double Yup, Eh? Is being able to borrow your pants a good thing? Very muchly yup, NOOOOO.

    Though I like EmmaK’s idea of using a light sabre (saber?) to toast bread. Would make very speedy work of breakfast.

    1. Shit. Morning! I’m awake now, so will get on it. Be right back with a link by which time everyone will have forgotten about it…
      You’ve got your perfect man pretty comprehensively profiled, by the way. Sure you didn’t get a bit enthusiastic about that assignment…?

  6. OMG, a jedi!! I can’t believe I have never included that in my prerequisites for the ideal man. Love jedis. Jedis are hot. Even then they go all evil and stuff, like Darth Vader.

    Or maybe it’s just that my husband has been gone for too long on his business trip.

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