KrazyRaisers are back – hopefully more Aliens than Temple of Doom – and krazier than ever. I had a few from the first KrazyRaisers®™ and came up with another few – if I invent any more then I am going to go on dragons den and and just insult those sanctimonious gits for fun and frivolity: ‘I am looking for an investment of £45.00, which will give you a 90% share in my company, so I can buy a shovel and twat Deborah Meaden round the chops. This, I have projected, will give me a 95% growth in satisfaction and a 5% sore arm.’ Dragons (all): ‘I’m in, but only if I can have a controlling stake…’
- Toyver™ Around the world, we have all heard the joyful shout: ‘C’mon kids, tidy-up time!’ to see millions of children eagerly jump to their feet and start placing their toys back into the thoughtfully provided storage boxes and crates with great, big smiles on their faces. But why doesn’t that happen in my house, I hear you ask? Well, we at KrazyRaisers®™ have the solution for all you parents of abnormal kids! It’s called the Toyver™. Using state-of-the-art, patented vacuum technology – adapted from snowblowers – this daddy vacuum cleaner will suck up all those fiddly – and not so fiddly!* – toys and vent them into a waiting sack to be sorted by your pride and joys at a later date for rainy day entertainment…or what about a fun toy lucky-dip game? Or just good old-fashioned punishment. Say goodbye to that just burgled look and say hello to a clean house and a large waiting-to-be-emptied sack. *Supplied with baby/pet safety grill.
- Polite-attoos™ Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your children still gad around town talking like a shower of pikey neds on day release from a juvenile detention centre. Even with metronomic repetition, those two little words – please and thankyou – just seem the hardest to say, no matter how intricate their star chart. So, are you bored with friends and relatives looking at your offspring like recently domesticated animals? Bored with saying the ‘what’s the magic word?’ Well, be bored no more because we at KrazyRaisers®™ have the solution! Polite-attos™! Using state-of-the-art tattoo technology our trained operatives merely tattoo the words* please and thank you onto the inside of your child’s eyelids so they never forget – and the exciting experience of having they eyelids unfolded and then tattooed will be an experience of a lifetime. *The ability to read can aid politeness
- SleepTints™ Weekends are too short and are the only time for us stressed and tired-out parents to get some sleep, sink a couple of bottles of shiraz and generally ‘get our shit together.’ But, the smaller members of the family don’t understand these needs and it’s like any other day of the week for them. The cheeky monkeys will just look out the window and if it’s light, it’s time to get up – no matter how early that is. Well, not any more! Here at KrazyRaisers®™ we have found a way to hoodwink the little rascals into believing it’s still night time. Using state-of-the-art tinted glass, we will make tinted shutters for the outside of your children’s bedrooms so that nightime is over when you say it is. So if you want a lie in – start lyin’! Coming soon from KrazyRaisers®™: WhiteChristmasTints™ – when expectation and reality need to be massaged with lies, lots of little white ones! ; FunFairTints™ – when you absolutely, positively have to get the kids out of the house no matter what the consequences!
- DinnerTIME plates⁄™ If you find yourself repeatedly banging your head against the kitchen table because you’ve endured yet another mealtime that has lasted 45 minutes – or more! – then get that Craftworld catalogue on express delivery because we at KrazyRaisers®™ are about to give you back your time! Using state-of-the-art ‘clock’ technology your kids eat off a clockface – literally! – but on our clock the minute hand is a spatula that sweeps the food into a hole to be collected in a recepticle underneath. Make mealtimes fun! Make mealtimes fast! Make mealtimes a pressure situation! Go to http://www.krazyraisers.com/dinnertimeplates for an up-to-date league table of times – currently, Dale in Arizona managed to finish a plate of penne pesto in 4 mins – way to go Dale!
- KiddieProd™ Without the Deathstar pull of a playground or potential ice-cream sugar rush, kids can look like they’re wearing lead boots – but not any more! Put a spring-g-g-g back into their step with KiddieProd™! Using state-of-the-art cattle prod technology KiddieProd™ delivers a small electric shock that gives your kids their mojo back and they’ll be home before you can say ‘human rights violation.’ With three settings (1.C’mon. 2. Somethings in the oven. 3.You’re in the middle of the road and a cars coming and it’s Switzerland so they might not bloody stop FFS!) you’ll be sure to get your children home with the minimum of fuss*. For added security, your children’s hair will be frizzed up like furballs and you’ll be able to spot your kids at 1000 yards – you won’t be able to blame lost kids on the boogie anymore! *Does not work in the rain
- I’mRight! Shoes™ We think most children should be able to dress themselves from 3 months, but they can still make mistakes. Many times we have seen out little ones leave the house and then looked at their feet and – no! – they’re deformed! Please let it not be true…but then on closer inspection you realise they have them on the wrong feet. Phew! For a minute there you thought some sick surgeon had amputated your child’s feet and stapled them on the wrong legs – just for laughs! But not anymore. We at KrazyRaisers®™ have the solution. Using state-of-the-art dye technology we dye one shoe red (left) and the other blue (right). We chose those colours because their teachers will use blue for things that are right – geddit? – and red for wrong; because everything left is wrong. If they still get it wrong then you have bigger problems!