Booze

Today, Slummy Single Mummy is a guest poster and I am writing on her blog. She is a deviously good writer and you should visit her blog and wallow in her awesomeness.  The subject is booze and here is her take. 

Firstly, I must start by thanking Mr Shev for welcoming me to his blog. I can honestly say that this is one of my top 100, if not top 50 blogs of all time. Seriously. Oh alright, top five… but then I only read about three.

I have been thinking for a while about asking Mr Shev to guest post for me, so when he asked me, well imagine my delight! He suggested a topic we should write on – the demon drink – so to get into the spirit of things (see what I did there?) I drunk three gin and tonics before beginning this post. I like to think of it as method writing.*

This is actually the most I have drunk in one go in quite a while and it has made me feeling rather warm and also slightly gassy. I have a reputation among my friends for being ‘a bit of a drinker’, but lately I’ve found I just can’t handle it like I used to. I am getting old. Drinking makes me forget things and behave in ways a 33 year old mother of two really should not. No child wants to see their mother with vomit in her hair now do they? So, this year, I have changed my drinking habits quite significantly.

Sometimes I miss it. I miss being young and having the stamina to go out two, even three nights in a row. (I will say now that I have never been cool and that two nights was a big deal for me ok?). I miss that sense of letting go of your inhibitions, of the purpose of a night out being to see how many different shots you can drink in an hour. Occasionally I even miss that feeling of waking up next to a decidedly unattractive man and wondering how you can sneak out and make it home without anyone noticing you.

Mostly though I just accept the fact that those days are behind me.

But just in case, just in case I am ever tempted to go back to my ‘how many neat vodkas can we get for all the change in my purse’ days, I thought I would take this opportunity, away from my usual audience, and full of gin-bravado, to remind myself of some of the reasons why it is good not to drink.

Inhibitions – you know how I said earlier how drinking was fun because it lowers your inhibtions? Well drinking is also bad because it lowers your inhibitions. Suddenly it seems like a brilliant idea to try and shock people, people you don’t even know (see incest point above). This is fine when everyone else is as drunk as you are, but not good at formal work functions, funerals etc.

Hangovers – never fun. A few years ago I had a particularly traumatic experience involving two Christmas night outs for different jobs on consecutive nights. Unfortunately the first of these was with a group of journalists, who thought it hilarious to make me drink copious amounts of Pernod. Every time I tried to drink a glass of water instead, they would quite literally take the glass from my hand and pour it on the floor at my feet.

The next night I had a small, formal dinner with the CEO and trustees of a charity I was working for at the time. To say I felt a little queasy would be the understatement of the century. By the evening I still hadn’t recovered, but after discretely throwing up outside the restaurant before going in I thought I might make it through. Alas no. When the starters arrived I was forced to throw money on the table and run out, resisting the urge to simply lie down on the restaurant floor, Manuel style – ‘No Mr Fawlty… I die here…’

Beer gogglesdue to drink, I have slept with a rather shameful number of highly unsuitable and unattractive men. I’m not proud of it, but there you go. I can’t even say that it was good sex, because after a few drinks I tend to loss a lot of feeling below the forehead. If you ever needed a good reason not to drink, let my sexual past be a lesson to you.

I could go on, but I feel I have said enough. If not too much. And I have to get up for work in the morning.

On a totally separate note, I am a finalist in this year’s MAD blog awards, and although voting closes next week I haven’t got round to mentioning it to anyone yet, so if you did fancy voting for me, I’m in the Best Mad Blog About Family Life category, and you can vote here.

Cheers!

*Note to readers – I am actually writing this at 10pm, just in case Mr Shev posts this at 9am trying to make me look bad.

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4 thoughts on “Booze

  1. Very funny…and some of it was scarily familiar. In fact, this very Sunday whilst more than a little bilious following an excellent Saturday night out, I reflected on how foolish those last couple of drinks had been as I cleared up DDs vomit from the car. GRIM.

  2. Vomit in hair, hey? A friend’s daughter, aged three, recently held back mummy’s hair while she vomited in the morning post a big night out. There’s one for the ‘Mommy Dearest’ misery memoir in a few years time.

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