- Lionel Messi He played some lovely football, but couldn’t hit a barn door with a bucket of paintballs. Argentina needed goals and he couldn’t provide any. The manager being stark, raving bonkers; taking cocaine and going to bed every night with a minibus of hookers (who are probably trannies) couldn’t’ve helped either. Ah, how the world turneth. Now carrying the expectations of a nation, the fate of the Falkland Islands and the profit margins of Nike Global football sales on his sloping shoulders…he has just realised that he is also carrying his team this time as well. He may be a galactico but his team mates are a bit journeymen…but he seems to be the Messi we all hoped he would be.
- Wayne Rooney Our very own granny-fancier looked like a third division pub footballer. He looked off the pace and seemed to be in a permanent strop about just about everything. I think he needs Regaine, because my theory is he is getting depressed about looking like an extra from The Sweeney. OMG, he is exactly the same footballer! Have we learned NOTHING?! He seems to have skipped granny prostitutes this time round but never looked match sharp and seemed to have one foot on the Marbella flight for his annual 2 weeks of all-day English breakfasts and wearing nylon. As my son said: he is only ever any good in the adverts…
- Christiano Ronaldo Ronaldo has always looked to me like a drag queen without make-up and a frock…he’s so…plucked. But aside from my overly bitchy comment, he was playing out of position, in a totally negative formation and was marked out of most games. I think he is a fantastic player who simply had a bad tournament. Exactly the same deal this time round. I think he is a fantastic player (though, obviously, a massive cock) but he was in a shit team more concerned about killing a game than actually winning it.
- France I have already blogged about the French – but by anyone’s standards, they had a shocker. They need to sit around and play table football for a bit so that they can get to grips with formations, passing and having fun again. Ah, what a contrast! They seem to have some espirit du corps this time around and actually look like they are playing for their manager. Evra seems to have hung up his Che Guevara beret and Benzema is looking like the player we all hoped he would be. They could win it, damn them.
- Brazil Every time we have a World Cup the Brazilians saunter onto the pitch like the Harlem Bloody Globetrotters and start tapping the ball around for fun, doing mad tricks and generally making everyone else look like…Emile Heskey. But this World Cup there was a sense that they expected to be in the final. To me they seemed petulant. I also found their reaction to being fouled (i.e. looking like they have been shot by a sniper from 100 yards) to be reprehensible. They should have picked up more yellow cards for being a bunch of babies. Pele was a long time ago – man up! They still go down faster than a $20 hooker but they are a bit more steely this time around and have found a genuine Brazilian No. 10 in Neymar. Their only issue is that they have two of the worst strikers to play for Brazil in living memory. Romario, Ronaldo and Pele must look at Fred an Hulk and think: great names, but, are these the best we have?
- England I didn’t think it was possible that we could plumb depths lower than in South Africa but it turns out that the England team went out and bought a new plumb, that can go deeper than ever. We didn’t manage a single win and looked like a 2nd division side completely out of our depth.
But, on a more positive note, the winners are:
- South Africa Not the team, they were outclassed from day one, but the hosts who put on a truly marvelous World Cup. It seemed well organised, well attended and the stadiums were terrific. I loved the fan parks idea and the vuvuzelas will not be forgotten quickly. I think everyone can agree that Brazil have been magnificent hosts: fantastic stadia (at what cost, though?), incredible support and an incredible atmosphere. The football has been sensational as well.
- Refereeing Normally, I always have a good moan about the refereeing but this time – on the whole – I thought it was excellent. They seemed to encourage free-flowing football, tried to keep things calm and resisted giving out too many cards. The Spain vs Germany game was superbly referreed – where there was no time given to play acting and advantage was always played. Could have done with video replays, but that’s FIFA’s fault, not theirs… We have goal line technology! We have spray foam stuff! We have proper time added on! Refereeing has been pretty good again. Sepp Blatter is still a twat though.
- Sergio Ramos One of the best players in the Spanish team, in my opinion, who was never shy about getting forward. Has the ability to keep it simple or play delicate touches. Dodgy hair band though – I thought they went out with the ’90’s? 4 years have turned a match winner into a fallible mortal. Watching the demise of Spain is one of the most depressing things I have witnessed. The end of this – fantastic – team, the end of tika-taka and the end of the Del Bosque era. They were amazing but I think they got older and slower (if that were possible to get any slower) and the rest of the world figured out how to play against them. They needed to score and they brought on Torres. That says it all, really.
- Wesley Sneijder One of the stars of the Dutch team, who is almost a direct mix of Holland past and present: a simple up and down midfielder one minute and then a creative goal scorer the next. Have been very impressed with our Wesley. This time round the star of the Dutch team has been…the Dutch team. They look like a team. They look like they have all got their game faces on. They could win this. They really could.
- Miroslav Klose I have a read a bit of a Klose backlash in the UK media saying that he is just a box player with no real skill; relying on tap-ins to keep his tally up. I think this is total shite. His club form is so-so, but when he pulls on a German shirt he turns into Wonder Boy. I think it takes exceptional skill to get in a position to actually score a goal. It then takes skill to not miss. If it was so bloody easy then every game would end up 14-15. Finally, he not only scores goals but helps the rest of the team unconditionally. If he was English there’d be no complaints. Wayne Rooney cannot boast a goal, neither can Lionel Messi – it’s a hard thing to do. Duh. Still he scores. Still.
- Diego Forlan Been player of the World Cup for me. He showed skill, movement and deadly finishing all through the World Cup. His club form has been excellent and he has taken that form to the World Cup. Mad looking fella as well. 4 years has lost him a yard of pace and it showed. But Uruguay have Luis Suarez! Oh…the part footballer / part vampire has only gone and tried to get his protein during a match again. This Uruguay side – without the guile of Forlan and the genius of Suarez – looks like a cynical, mechanical unit
- ITV Amazingly, ITV are quite good! They have some good pundits. Lee Dixon is class. Patrick Viera is entertaining and they seem to have not produced shit graphics. Adrian Chiles is – as ever – more annoying than mosquitos, their commentators are sometimes annoying and the continual betting adverts are a pain but the BBC (aside from Theirry Henry and Danny Murphy) is dull and emotionless. They also have Phil Neville. He is more boring that cardboard.
- Nike Their advert is amazing! Funny, entertaining and beautifully made. The only fly in the ointment is they eulogise about their sponsored players so much that when they don’t live up to expectations it can be a bit depressing.
- James Rodriguez Every World Cup there always emerges an incredible talent and this one is no different. This player – who is only 22 – seems to play half a second quicker than anyone else and possesses such delightful technique that one wonders how good he can be…